returning

so, just about a month ago, we moved out of our place, put everything in storage, and took off on a camping trip to explore some places that we thought might be right for us to set up on a new life.

we drove into virginia, north carolina, and returned through west virginia and pennsylvania. we checked out charlottesville, staunton, blacksburg, asheville, the north carolina coast, chapel hill, and morgantown, wv.

we found out that many wonderful things are happening in those communities. we visited natural food coops, farmer's markets, listened to live music all over asheville, talked to people who shared their stories of relocating and finding a home. we watched people dance at sunset at a bluegrass concert (and i watched and ached to be a part of a community sharing summer and music and that moment). we swam in lakes and streams and waterfalls and rivers and oceans. we dealt with many sudden cloudbursts and dried ourselves out and packed and unpacked and kept going.

we got exhausted from the constant camping and got a hotel room one night which was such a relief.

one day as we started out driving our car started making a terrible noise and we were filled with dread. but only an hour later, we were all ready to go again. we met a man checked the problem, and then gave us directions to a muffler shop. there we met another man formerly from nj who welded back the exhaust pipe (right behind the catalytic converter) where it had rusted right through. for a mere $20.

and we were filled with the joy of being helped by such friendly folks.

the funny thing is...that i don't think we found our home.

and it's hard not to give in to fear and dread, to come to the end of the trip and not have it turn out like we wanted it to. i envisioned our transition period being short and neat and soon having a new little apartment to call home, in a perfect town where we'd both work satisfying jobs in artistically supportive or community conscious businesses.

but i think maybe we want to not move as far from our roots (here) as we originally thought.

and i'm holding onto faith and hope that we can find what we both need to flourish. for now, the exercise is expressing what it is that we both desire for ourselves, what live we would like to be living. it's something that can only become clear with time. and there is a part of me that feels relieved at not uprooting myself completely from this area, which i've called home for 6 years now.

so for now we are living with family and starting a new round of research and looking and also lots of talking about what it is we would like to build together.

struggling with evil

adam pulled "the meaning of happiness" by alan watts off the bookshelf. a friend loaned it to me several years ago, but i never could get into it. recently, i opened it at random and was just blown away by this passage:

The exaggeration of the power of temptation can hardly be a positive means of overcoming it.... As long as in our struggle against evil we regard it as strong and enticing, and at the same time both awe-inspiring and forbidden, we are not going to achieve any radical or final victory over it...it will remain invincible as long as it is so regarded.... the attraction of evil is a lie and an illusion.... Only the knowledge of its absolute emptiness and tedium can give us victory over it.

This states perfectly something that has gradually dawned on me over the years, but had never quite put into words for myself.

There is a great deception in the world on this subject. It quite possibly has been fed by well-meaning sermons, which insist that we must never let down our guard, and always renew our strength to battle temptation.

Trying to be strong and rigid against an enemy that we perceive as relentless is exhausting, and eventually one must break.

The alternative is seeing the enemy as who he really is, a deceiver, who tricks us into thinking that extramarital affairs are fun or fulfilling, that lies will make our lives easier, that stealing is worth it, that we are entitled to hold grudges. We simply must see the lies for what they are.

Faithfulness, truth, integrity, and humility are what we want in our lives. Each of these leads to peace. There is no need for an endless struggle.

I'm going to start at the beginning and see what other gems this book has to offer.

road trip research

we're using maps, the internet, and travel books from the library (along with another i just bought) to research and plan for our road trip. i decided to make a little book to write things in.


each town has a page, where i can write information about things we're interested in. colleges, the population of the town, any food co-ops or farmer's markets, camping, and local attractions to check out. or whatever else the guidebooks say that interests us.



the book was really quite easy to make. i folded and ripped some large pieces of paper to size, then clipped them together and drilled two holes (with a carpenter drill and normal bit). i covered two pieces of cardboard with pretty pictures and punched holes in them. then i used the two rings i still had left from a long time ago and there it is. i love it.



it's like having our own personalized guide book. hopefully the book will be not only a guide but filled with memories from the trip, too. i guess i'd better go work on writing more things down. this warm weather is making me lazy.

magical appearing of cherry tomatoes

I was overcome with excitement when i first spotted these pea-sized tomatoes. First of the season!

mushrooms and squirrels

maybe it's all the rain we've had around here, or maybe i'm just paying attention where i didn't before, but there have been SO many mushrooms this year!

with thinking about wild foods, my curiousity definitely drifts into the mushroom department too.

i'm looking at some books on mushrooms. it's a little scary, with all the warnings on "this could be fatal!!!" and disclaimers. but still, a fascinating world to explore, especially in the future when hopefully we'll have even more time to spend learning about all the varied life forms around us.

----

a tiny anecdote: don't know if its heartwarming or heartbreaking--i think both.

yesterday morning adam spotted a dead squirrel in our parking lot. it was pretty clear it was flattened by a car.

as we watched, other squirrels kept running over to it, getting very agitated and twitching their tails a lot, and then running away.

there were probably at least 5 squirrels in the close vicinity, going back and forth.

were they all brothers? cousins? i think they were in shock or grief over the loss of one of their buddies.

i felt like crying, but i was also overcome with the feeling of love and caring and connectedness that these little guys were exhibiting for each other.

voluntary poverty

"...if your purpose in life is to remain relatively free by remaining relatively poor, you can’t lose."
-Gene Logsdon, in the responses to comments on his latest post here.

I don't know if I'd say our purpose is to remain free & poor, but it seems to be a good path to our goals.

Certain types of poverty make life stressful, I know. Poverty that leaves you without choices, and quite desperate just to survive.

But I think there is another type of poverty. Voluntary poverty is choosing to live with as little as possible in order to be as free as possible.

I find this type of poverty to be a constant learning experience, and full of promise and fulfillment.

I also believe that nature is full of generosity and bounty, and that being poor in money gives you more time to enjoy the free riches growing in the sunshine.

my fire escape garden

the tomatoes plants are huge, and blooming. we've eaten several salads with the lettuce. basil is a treat, and cilantro and parsely too. peppers and tomatoes will take time. radishes have been eaten one at a time. they are tiny but a treat. i never really ate a radish before. spinach and kale are doing fine. we eat them in salads or sandwiches often.

the weird tuft of growth between the two tomato plants are a handful of wild onions i picked and then never did anything with. they are still alive somehow. poor things. i watered them one and i think the frequent rain and the dirt on their roots is keeping them alive.

i guess i'll be giving these containers away when we move, to someone who can care for then and enjoy them for the rest of the season. i have no regrets, though. i learned a lot and next year i'll have another garden, i'm sure of it.

stepping out

We are setting out soon on a journey to find a place to live. We don't know exactly how to find what we are looking for. We know some of the things we'd like to be close to:

a good library
a college
a food co-op
organic farms and farmer's markets
a raw milk source
big natural parks or other wild areas
lots of greenness and quiet

One thing we have going for us is that we've saved up enough money to be able to take some time for this. We'll be moving out of our place, storing our things, and camping for up to 2 months. We have a region in mind.

As we've given notice at our jobs, people have asked us what our plans are. It is hard for people to understand that we don't know where we are moving, and we don't have jobs lined up.

I found it very assuring to read Dan Price's words:

"Choosing where you would really like to live and finding your true home seem to be of paramount importance, and not choosing just because you happen to have a job there. It needs to be the place on earth that fulfills your needs and desires in many ways. That one place on earth that you feel connected to. A place you could spend the rest of your life."

"Yet in these fast paced times I often wonder how many people take a gamble and move to a new place just because it makes their heart sing."

I feel a little vulnerable putting this here. We're stepping out with no guarantees. But taking risks can make you feel alive. And we do have a plan. We think it will work. So we're trying it.

another sunset

i miss most sunrises and we have a limited view of sunsets from our apartment. so being by the water, it is very special to enjoy the quiet progression of color and movement and darkness. this is from a recent trip to the beach.

ducklings

tiny, soft, hurrying and clustering together. little irresistible balls of fluff. so adorable, and i could just feel one in my hand, even though i don't dare touch one. their soft cheeps as they paddle their two little feet in the water. soft little bills search for goodies in the sand. we saw mommie and her nine babies again today. i was enchanted, and relieved. one time we counted only eight, and felt so sad.




the truth i'd rather spare you is that two male ducks were attacking the little group. they charged the mother several times, and once even chased and nipped at a small baby. why?? i can't understand. but nobody was hurt and after mother hissed and charged back, they retreated.

corn gripping and rooting down into soil.

me learning about edible wild plants

today we went for a walk not far from where we live. after getting over a fight about where to park the car, we enjoyed the rest of the hike thoroughly.

i've been doing quite a bit of browsing in books about edible wild plants. but i'm terrible at retaining information. so i get very excited if i make an identification of any plant. a while ago, i spotted a stinging nettle growing at the side of the path down by the river. i even rubbed the leaf on my thumb and was strangely elated to feel the sting that lingered for the rest of the day.

i've learned that if you cook nettles, their stinging goes away, and they are a very nutritious green to add to a soup or other dish. i haven't tried this yet. i got a little discouraged when i read that the leaves are best gathered earlier in the spring before they become more tough and bitter.

the other very interesting use for nettles is as an alternative to rennet. i understand that in the making of cheese, a substance from the stomach of a young cow is used to digest the milk. this is called rennet. however, nettles can be used to make an vegetarian alternative to rennet. so cool!

anyway, back to today's hike. i was eager to try to identify more plants, even though i forgot to bring the books with me. before too long, i saw nettles growing by the river. i didn't sting myself this time.

most of the hike i looked at plants and observed their details more closely, figuring i could look them up when i got home. i think i may have successfully identified curled or yellow dock as well. i thought it was amaranth, looked it up, and realized it wasn't. then a few pages over in the book i realized maybe that it was dock. i'm pretty sure it's right.

the interesting thing is that if you touch nettles and are stung, you can often find dock growing near by. by crushing the dock leaves in your hands, (maybe even spit on it to add some moisture), you can create a salve that will ease the stinging. (I read this in Euell Gibbon's book, Stalking the Healthful Herbs.)

[i was just looking for a picture of dock online and am now starting to doubt whether i actually found dock. never mind. i'll find it eventually.]

finally: dandelion greens. well, we took our bowls of food outside to eat on the grass, and afterwards, i realized we were sitting on some. adam tried some, and said these are bitter! and they were. but we picked a bowlful anyway, and i washed and boiled them. apparently, you can still eat them as the season progresses, but you compensate by boiling them and changing the water they are boiled in. i cooked them for 5 minutes, changed the water, then 10 more minutes (in very little water), and drained them. with a little butter i thought they were quite good. adam didn't think they were that exciting, but the fact that they weren't gross is exciting to me. i think next time i'll pick more and actually include them in a dish. or maybe with our eggs in the morning.

p.s. we saw so many different animals today! lots of turtles swimming and sunning by the river. a snake in the weeds by the path. minnows, and an enormous fish. probably 4 feet long and almost a foot in diameter--it appeared only momentarily as we sat and snacked by the river. i watched for a long time for it to reappear but it didn't. but wow! later, a snake swimming on the surface, but when it saw us it disappeared into the depths. a groundhog grazing by the road. a swarm of ants on our sidewalk. a solitary little rabbit munching in the grass. and finally a racoon raiding a dumpster. and blackbirds swearing at him and divebombing him.

more photos

two things have really made me feel inclined to take more pictures lately.


i got back my old camera, which actually holds a charge for weeks at a time. the one i'd been using for some reason needed me to recharge the batteries pretty much every day. there's nothing like having to stop and recharge the batteries to stop you from documenting a plate of food when you really just want to eat it.


also, i downloaded picasa to this laptop. now i can go through, edit, and organize so much more quickly.


i can't believe the months ticking by since august 1, 2008 when we were married. i guess i want to have a record of what our daily life looks like. who knows, maybe it will be very different next year.


one question for you please, though. is there any problem with me posting these photos in large format? i like how they look but am curious. thank you.

excerpt from Lloyd Alexander's "The Black Cauldron"

The other day I remembered the books by Lloyd Alexander that our teacher read to us in grade school. The series begins with "The Book of Three" and is followed by "The Black Cauldron". I believe there are six in all.

They are kids books, but I recently checked the first two out of the library and lost myself in them. The author researched and based his writing on Welsh mythology. The books are beautifully written, full of depth and human struggle and growth.

These are the types of books I would love to read to my children one day. The characters in these books struggle with self doubt and difficult people as well as true villains. Self-discipline and integrity are not just values of the "nice guys" but are traits of the heroes that you admire and love.

here's a little excerpt.

"I am troubled," [Taran] said in a low voice, "and I wonder now if we should not turn back. I fear you have kept something from me, and had I known what it was, I would have chosen otherwise."

If Adaon shared Taran's doubts, he showed no sign. In the saddle, he rode unbowed, as though he had gained new strength and the weariness of the journey could no longer touch him. On his face was a look Taran had never seen before and could not fathom. In it was pride, yet more than that; for it held, as well, a light that seemed almost joyous.

After a long pause Adaon said, "There is a destiny laid on us to do what we must do, though it is not always given to us to see it."


I think there's an important attitude in books like these and maybe also the Lord of the Rings books/movies. I'm not sure if I can put my finger on it entirely but maybe it's that they show that goodness isn't just boring and nice. The battle of good against evil is a very difficult struggle, and only the most valiant and brave can truly succeed, and then only with the help and love of their friends and their family.

I think lots of today's stories take a really disturbing approach towards evil. They are fascinated with bad people, or laugh along at them. And at the same time, those who concern themselves with the challenge to be good and true are never taken very seriously.

But the quest to be honest to yourself, to be loving and generous, to be faithful to those you love--this quest is a long and difficult one of mindful self examination and committment to truth. The end result of such a life is not dramatic until you look more closely and see a deep peace and trust that can only be built over many years.

beets, spinach, sunflower seeds, etc.

i never used to be very into salads but adam makes very good ones with garlicy dressings that give us very strong breath.

tall trees

we went to some woods on a very windy day.

wheat, beets, and carrots

here's the picture of that salad. it's delicious warm, with salt & pepper and oil & vinegar.

the beets take over and make everything pink, even the carrots. but the beets have a nice mellow flavor.

be sure to soak the wheat overnight before cooking it.

april showers

walked home from tutoring in the light rain. lovely gray day today, following a beautiful sunny weekend.

i have a picture of the beet recipe below now, as we made it again today. i'll get it to the computer and onto this blog eventually. i don't like fussing with all that technology.

my garden has made some slow progress, although it seems my soil is pretty bad, and i have been terribly blocked as to how to address it. yesterday i finally bought a bag of soil marked organic, as most others seem to have built in fertilizers. i'm hoping to use it to get some more seedlings going a little more healthily.

i've had many ponderings of late. i could write about any one of them, but sometimes they seem more like lessons i need to learn and less essays to be written.

today i was thinking:

anything that makes it seem like life is easy is an illusion, because the truth is that life is complicated and messy and difficult, even if there are moments of stunning beauty almost every day.

i feel like lots of tv and advertising and fake stories show this fantasy that things should be neat and easy and clean and orderly and predictable. and we struggle because our experience just isn't so, no matter how hard we try.

i've also been struggling with my attitude towards daily tasks. cooking, washing dishes, sweeping up dust bunnies, tending to finances, chopping vegetables, making bread, laundry. some of these jobs i like, others i want to get out of my way as quickly as possible.

but the truth is that each of these tasks is part of the fabric of my life. and i have to re-think my approach that just wants them to be gone, forever, and out of my mind..

ever so slowly i'm learning to savor the moments of some little task that i used to rush through. maybe not savor, but be mindful in it. and know that these pieces ARE my life, not holding me back from my life.

the art of contentment, of a slow savoring of a life that is actually full of the richest blessings as well as daily challenges--this is what i must learn. even if my old self would like to focus on large, ambitious projects.

1. figuring out which state and which town and what land we might re-locate to
2. building our yurt
3. raising lots of vegetables and
4. learning how to can and preserve them

while i'm at it i'll make this list longer, because the truth is that all of these are good ambitions, and i do value them, and i know eventually we'll get to them.

5. communicating more effectively and kindly in conflict with my husband
6. learning to knit (and possibly spin yarn myself)
7. sew more clothes
8. make a hand-made quilt
9. weave a basket from found twigs
10. make writing a more regular part of my life, and perhaps writing a book someday
11. eventually return to teaching, once i have something more inspiring than algebra to share with students
12. return to woodworking and making bowls, once we are settled in a place and can make workshops
13. learn some german, since it is the language of at least one branch of my ancestry
14. (wow, i should have had this way up my list) find a way to keep our extended families central and close in our lives, even though they are distant geographically.
15. learn about edible wild foods
16. continue to read about natural medicine

so...each day...to practice contentment and yet to make small steps towards some of these ambitions.

yum

i have a huge jar of wheat berries (berries are just wheat grains). we sometimes sprout them and then eat them raw in salads. they are pretty sweet, so they benefit from a vinegary dressing to balance the flavor.

a couple of days ago i put about a cup of them in a bowl with some water and set them on top of the fridge.

today i checked on them and they smelled vaguely fermented (this is actually good). i rinsed them and put them in a pot with diced beets, green peppers, yellow peppers, and carrots. they boiled for a while.

i just learned this trick, where, to save energy, you can get a pot boiling and then cover it, turn it off, and cover it with a couple of dish towels so that it can continue to cook with its own heat.

however today i was hungry and wanted it to cook as quickly as possible so i bailed on that technique, and before it was totally done, i drizzled olive oil, salt, pepper, and apple cider vinegar over it.

chewy wheat berries, really a delicious warm salad is what i guess it was.

it's all gone now ;)

three little things

1.
the image above is of a tomato seedling. i bought heirloom seeds from seeds of change. i forget the variety, but i loved the surprising purple stems on these little guys.

2.
when i excitedly wrote about finding out how to harvest the little seeds from the flowers of my basil plants, i didn't know that those seeds would never germinate. i imagine it's because the dried, dead plants sat out on the fire escape all winter before i got around to harvesting the seeds. next year, i'll have to do it in the fall. fortunately i still have the seeds that i bought last year, and they have sprouted nicely and are working on leaves 3 and 4 now.

3.
so here's the latest update...who knows how successful it will be, but yesterday, we took a walk, and it had rained the night before, so in damp spots and puddles we could see earthworms. we ended up picking up quite a few, and then discovering that you could find the mother lode by turning over clumps of leaves that were sitting at the edge of the (paved) road. we ended up filling a small styrofoam coffee cup found sitting by the road. quite the mass of worms! it was so fun.

so we brought them back, and i dumped them out on the box of dirt that is supposed to be sprouting lettuce and spinach. i thought that 10 minutes later they might all have buried themselves, but they hadn't...although some had found their way in. i helped them to untangle themselves from each other and put some into the other pots where hopefuly radishes and kale will soon be sprouting. then i decided they needed a little help and i dumped extra dirt on top of them. i was afraid they'd get chilled and die before they summoned the energy to burrow. after all, we were responsible for pulling them out of their damp, leafy hiding places.

i love my pet worms! may they thrive in my lettuce patch.

In Defense Of The Family Farm - by Wendell Berry

the article is here.

here is the eloquent first paragraph:

With industrialization has come a general depreciation of work. As the price of work has gone up, the value of it has gone down, until it is now so depressed that people simply do not want to do it anymore. We can say without exaggeration that the present national ambition of the United States is unemployment. People live for quitting time, for weekends, for vacations, and for retirement; moreover, this ambition seems to be classless, as true in the executive sites as on the assembly lines. One works, not because the work is necessary, valuable, useful to a desirable end, or because one loves to do it, but only to be able to quit—a condition that a saner time would regard as infernal, a condemnation. This is explained, of course, by the dullness of the work, by the loss of responsibility for, or credit for, or knowledge of the thing made.

and here I paraphrase some of his recommendations:

1. preserve families and communities
2. maintain the practices of neighborhood
3. maintain the domestic arts of kitchen and garden, household and homestead
4. limit use of technology so as not to displace or alienate available human labor or available free sources of power (the sun, wind, water, and so on)
5. limit farms to a scale that is compatible both with the practice of neighborhood and with the optimum use of low-power technology
6. limit costs by the practices and limits already mentioned
7. educate children to live at home and serve their communities
8. esteem farming as both a practical art and a spiritual discipline

thoughts on vegetarianism and our relationship to animals

I've been reading a book that has raised many questions for me about some of the foods I eat.

I know it's more polite for people who make certain choices to keep quiet and not judge those who don't act similarly. I certainly don't think that I would have responded well to any pressure from guilt-tripping vegans or vegetarians or radical environmentalists or global poverty activists or other viewpoint pushers. I'm thankful I had the opportunity for my views to develop naturally and gradually, and I don't really want to put that pressure on anyone else. However, I have been thinking about this, and the writer in me needs to write in order to process these ideas. So please don't be offended.

I'm not one of those people who became vegetarian as a child when they realized they were eating animals. I knew very well where my meat came from. I saw a cow that was to be killed when I was maybe 5 years old, and I don't know if I heard it killed or just imagine that I heard it. I saw carcasses hanging in the markets in Bolivia. When we moved to rural Illinois I saw cows and pigs being raised in small and large farms. I saw the dairies. It didn't really bother me; I actually enjoyed learning about farming. (One exception: I do recall once being appalled when I saw the tiny pen that a sow was kept in when she was having piglets. It was only a bit larger than she was. She could move less than a foot in any direction, and couldn't turn around.)

I gradually transitioned to a less-meat diet because I was obsessed with cutting my expenses so I could save money and quit the job I was no longer able to believe in. Lentils are much more affordable than meat.

It wasn't squeamishness about eating animal flesh. It's been some time since I ate meat, I don't know yet if I would rule it out permanently. Yet some questions have come up as we think more and more seriously about becoming self-reliant, and looking closely at what is involved in "producing" our own eggs and milk (which we still consume at this point).

Then recently, I've been reading "The Way We Eat: Why Our Food Choices Matter" by Peter Singer. And I'm learning about how the majority of meat, eggs and milk are raised: on enormous factory farms. I understand the market constraints that push good people to take on these huge operations. I know some of these people personally and I believe that it may have been the only way they saw to make a living at farming.

The entire efficiency and profit obsessed food industry is flawed, and blaming any individual without examining the root of the problem is unfair (and that would be a whole other essay). Finding the sources of the problem and crafting a solution is an enormous task. My overly simplistic anti-capitalist position may not be the right way, although it sure is tempting to just run away from the whole greedy profit driven mess.

After thinking this over more, I'm realizing that my objections with commercial milk, egg, or meat production is that besides being cruel, wasteful, and enviromentally dangerous, it's just so far away from what the natural life cycle of the animal would be.

A few examples:

Egg farmers either dump or kill and sell male chicks after they hatch. They are the offspring of a bird that is bred to produce large numbers of eggs. The males are not considered financially worth raising to sell as meat. Other birds are bred for the kind of body that is considered desirable for meat.

Dairy farmers must keep their cows producing milk almost constantly, which requires them to get the cow pregnant 4-6 weeks after it gives birth to a cow. A cow's gestation period is like a human's, 9 months. By getting the cow pregnant shortly after birth, they ensure that the cow will resume milk production shortly after its milk supply dries up from the previous pregnancy. The strain of being pregnant and maintaining unnaturally high levels of milk production takes it toll on a cow. While a cow living a natural life could live to be 15 to 25 years old, the average dairy cow only lives 3-4 years before it fails to produce the level of milk that is profitable to the farm. It then is killed for meat.

What about the calves that are born to these cows? The females may be raised to become dairy cattle. The males are either killed young as veal, or raised to become beef.

..................................................................

I think that there is such a thing as ethically raising animals. However, I would prefer to let the animal be part of a system of life, rather than just used as a food production unit.

A chicken that wanders around a yard, eating insects, creating poo/fertilizer, and laying eggs, some of which actually hatch and are nurtured to become chickens...that chicken is living a whole life. [We've read that ducks are a little more pleasant to have around than chickens. I always thought chickens were too high strung and cranky. Ducks have gentle, musical voices, and their beaks aren't pointy.]

I don't have a problem with eating the eggs of birds. I don't really see myself having the guts to kill a duck to roast, though. Especially once I knew its unique personality. And this raises the dilemma, what do you do about the males? Do you just let them be a part of your menagerie? For now, I think I would. Apparently ducks do well foraging for themselves, so they aren't an expense to feed. And I'd build a coop or shelter from scraps of wood, if necessary.

If we raised ducks for eggs, I'd like part of our plan to be to take advantage of their propensity to eat slugs and bugs that are hungry for the garden plants.

....................................................................

In the same way, I don't think I'd want to have cows on a farm, unless they had a "job" other than producing milk and offspring. Making them get pregnant all the time, just so that we can have milk, seems unnatural. And what to do with the calves? Wouldn't the mother want to have its calf around for a while? I can't imagine it not being sad if it was separated from its calf. I would rather let it nurse the calf, and then take the rest of the milk, rather than separating the mother from its calf.

What do you do when your herd grows? Sell the cows to be butchered? It's something you'd have to be ok with. I think it would be cool to use the cows to plow a field or pull a cart. That way the male cows could earn their keep, too.

We could raise sheep for their wool. Then we could shear them and they'd be earning their keep without needing to be killed. They fertilize pastures, too. And I'd have to learn to spin yarn and take up knitting in the winter.

....................................

Where does all this lead to? I want to know what is a natural relationship between humans and "our" animals. What is a balanced, natural way to raise animals kindly, to allow them to live full, healthy lives. How can we as humans benefit from the animals, but care for them at the same time.

I think I need to spend more time learning about this. But I know that the meat, milk, and eggs sold in our stores does not represent the type of relationship that I am looking for.

Which is why I'm really longing to get some land, even just a bit, for a few ducks and sheep to roam on.

it's not too late

they are comforting words.

bailout musings (warning. content is kind of radical)

BAILOUT: when a corporation use the state's power to forcibly extract money from taxpayers.

I'm no economist, but I'm starting to see this as the last act of a dying monster.

They started by making us want things we don't need. An endless parade of products that the human race lived without for millenia passes before our eyes. Many of these things are actually bad for us, hurt our health, and make us sick. Then we need medicine, which they also want to sell.

The things they make to sell to us also produce terrible by-products that they dumped into our streams. They did it until we noticed, and protested. Sometimes, they paid us, but by then, many of us had gotten very sick from the water we drank, the air we breathed.

We made laws to protect our water and our air, but the companies spent more money to weaken these laws.

They did this while spending lots more money on advertising that presented their products as wholesome, necessary, delicious, and fun. They painted themselves as benign, caring for us, producing the products we love and need. These advertisements are everywhere. They are aimed at us and at our children.

Endlessly creative, they seduce customers into unbearable levels of debt. They make money off the debts. And then, when the miserable debtors cannot pay, and when our banks are failing as a result...what then? Is it over? Oh, no.

These crafty, endlessly evil corporations have already bought their way into our government. Suddenly our representatives are breathlessly telling us that we must bailout these huge corporations. If we don't, we'll have an economic collapse.

.....

The truth is, the collapse will happen anyway. And I'm not really sure what good all the money will do those corporations.

I wish we could all team up to starve the monster. Just stop buying everything. Except maybe organic vegetables, handmade goods, and thrift store products.

For now, I'm paying attention to each dollar I spend. I want to give as little as I can to the evil corporations. I want to give as much as I can to support causes that I feel good about. (I don't mean charity, I mean businesses that are actually sort of good.)

Oh, and one more thing. I'd love to one day to live off of maybe $5000 or so per year. Or whatever amount makes me tax-exempt. Because then I won't be paying for this ridiculous bailout. I don't know if it will work. But I just want out of this economic system. Maybe I sound like a nut job. But I feel like I'm starting to see it all for what it is.

weight

i've been feeling the weight of the world lately...the heaviness in what i've been reading about so many different types of problems.

today adam & i talked about whether it's good to know, or not know. it's a tough one.

sometimes you can take on more information that your spirit can bear. and yet, we are one planet, and one people, and what one suffers, all suffer.

i've been thinking that maybe this was the lesson that jesus showed us with his life. he shared in the suffering.

not that there isn't joy. life is still here. spring is around the corner. the birds sing, crocuses bloom.

it's amazing that life continues and joy continues even amid such problems. it's inspiring, actually.

here's to awareness mixed with the courage of joy.

baking bread

finally, after many crumbly, dense loaves, i've had one victorious, fluffy, delicious loaf. a second batch is on the way to rising perfectly, thanks to the heater in the kitchen.

the recipe is from a bag of king arthur whole wheat flour. i think i actually misunderstood the recipe, though, and didn't mix the yeast with water prior to starting. and it works! and is less messy.

This is my version, which makes 2 loaves.

first, mix the dry ingredients:
5 t of yeast (2 packets)
7 cups of flour (I use mostly wheat, some white. however, the original recipe says all wheat)
2 t of salt (i use slightly less than 2)

mix them together, then pour the wet ingredients on top:
2 2/3 cups of lukewarm water
1/2 c of vegetable oil (i think the coconut oil i've been using makes extra delicious bread)
about 1/4 c of honey, with some molasses in there too

mix it all together, then knead for 6-8 minutes.

set it to rise. i put the bowl of dough on a chair next to the heater, and then use a towel to trap the heat and bring it to the dough. it rises in half the time.

punch down.

re-rise in greased loaf pans.

bake at 350.

I love this because it makes very little mess, and I just threw it together in about 15 minutes! unreal.

Of course, more experimentation will be required in order to incorporate sprouted wheat, but for now we are eating our sprouts in other ways, so I won't worry about that for now.

Get the butter ready.

contentment

inspired by reading this article:

economic stimulus. economic growth. but is growth really a good thing?

it seems to me that the whole idea of investments is that we put our money somewhere and it grows into more money than we had before.

i can understand not wanting ones money to decrease in value, and inflation would inevitably make money buried in the ground 50 years ago worth less than when the hole was dug.

but when growth must come at the expense of the health of our planet, the health of individuals, the quality of food, the quality of life...can having more money really make up for the incredible losses we as human beings, creatures of this planet, have sustained?

the markets have demanded: more must be made, more efficiently, faster, cheaper, for greater profits. the desire to squeeze money out of each square inch of soil is desperate; eventually there will be no value left in the soil to squeeze. the growth is not sustainable. our land is dying. and our lives are suffering.

there is an alternative.

contentment. having enough, and being happy to live a little land and have enough to eat, warmth, shelter. making a profit is great, but how much of a profit does one need? perhaps enough to buy certain necessities, small luxuries.

i have been reading much on this subject, and i am thrilled to discover that others can express these ideas much more poetically and thoughtfully than i.

Wendell Berry in his book "The Art of the Common Place: The Agrarian Essays" speaks well and profoundly about our relationship with the land, the history of our country, and why we have not cared for the land as we ought. He gives stories about people who were content with less, and as a result they were able to treat the land with observant gentleness.



We don't need more money, more stuff, faster. All of that more & faster philosophy actually makes us unhealthy and unhappy.

LESS, and more slowly. Taking time for contemplating nature, family, the spiritual world.

It's great to learn sprouting, baking, book binding, gardening. This morning I picked the dead flowers from my basil plant and harvested seeds. What joy!! I compared them to the seeds that I bought & planted last spring. Similar. Now I have my own seeds, with a year's experience living in this place.

I guess I am greedy to do so many things. I wish I could help start a million community gardens. I wish I could teach poor people to sprout grains so they'd have low-cost, nutritious food available to them. I want to build a house, just to show that it can be done and it doesn't have to be so confoundedly complicated as modern houses are. Finish sewing that dress. Write letters to my friends. Learn how to make kombucha and yogurt and cheese and soap and candles. Knit. Write more. Learn natural healing techniques.

It's pretty clear that I'm bringing my characteristic intensity even to my desire to live a slow life. And clearly my biggest challenge will be to simply enjoy the present, and to find contentment exactly where I am.

the man who created paradise, by gene logsdon

what an amazing story. fiction, unfortunately. yet it's the not the first time i've read of someone who was inspired to buy devastated land with a view to restoring to it some of the beauty and health it had lost. and since ravaged lands would be far more affordable, perhaps that is the most accessible way to own land. not to mention the most satisfying.

wendell berry speaks of caring for the land, of being a steward, of helping it to heal, and letting it heal us.

wouldn't it be wonderful to heal just one little piece of our sad, wounded planet?

timeless dwellings

there is a gentleness to these homes, their inhabitants are connected to the earth. they are worn, softened, and cozy. warm, too. also, i believe that one of these could be built by a couple who is starting out in life together.


while these buildings look like they've been abandoned, the article i lifted the picture from here discusses earth roofs and their advantanges. the yurts, on the other hand, have the advantage of being temporary structures and thus less restricted by building codes and property taxes.

I just finished reading a novel by Frank Schaeffer, "Baby Jack". It's so well written. The author is the son of a prominent evangelical intellectual, Francis Schaeffer, which is why i was interested in it in the first place. The writing did not disappoint, but rather revealed the author to be a very thoughtful observer of human nature and spiritual truths.

During the course of the novel, one of the characters dies. He continues to narrate and is able to be anywhere and read the feelings and thoughts of people he chooses to follow. He tells us about his family and friends, but also about God, and how God responds to things. The way this is described is full of surprises. Sometimes God uses language that most of us would find un-God-like. Sometimes God doesn't want to answer people's requests, tells them to forget it, then changes his mind. Other times he gets mad and uses the f-word.

The characterization God gets in this book could be called irreverent, but I ended up finding it incredibly challenging.

"Why did you create humans?" I ask God.
"The Brooklyn Botanic Garden."
"That's it?!"
"And I like William Wegman's large format Polaroids of his dogs."


'...that sinking feeling all religious fanatics get as soon as it hits them that they've more or less wasted their lives trying to please God and he not only doesn't give a sh*t but doesn't even like them.
It's a really nasty surprise to wake up and find you're in paradise with a bunch of infidels and they got here without even trying. The born-again Christians get that same sinking feeling. Eternal life turns out to be such a disappointment for true believers.
Sometimes the dead are so bummed they even argue theology with God. A few days ago a newly arrived Southern Baptist was so shocked by God's profanity that he told God that he thought God needed to repent and accept the Lord Jesus Christ as his personal savior.'

'God doesn't give a rat's ass one way or another, at least not about the things people think are a big deal, destiny, the rise and fall of nations, and all. To God, countries, nations, peoples and tribes come and go, are no more important than leaves swirling on a driveway. He does have likes and dislikes, though, but it's nothing to do with any rules. With God it's all personal. Take Gaughin. God is very angry about how he treated Van Gogh. He says Gaughin "drove Van Gogh to suicide" and he says Gaughin is overrated. "Muddy" is how God describes his paintings.'


The idea that after people die, they are able to see the thoughts and experiences, both past and present, of the people they knew and interacted with in life--this really challenged me.

I believe that my thoughts are known to God, but for some reason thinking about other people knowing my thoughts jolted me a little more. Memories of thinking nasty thoughts about people, sometimes even people who have not harmed me. I can be very critical.

The novel goes on to describe a person that many of the dead, as well as God, love to spend time around. And this person was not a religious leader, but rather a marine drill instructor. A person without guile.

Damn, I thought. Does God like to spend time around me? Probably not. I am boringly obsessed with organizing my stuff, washing dishes, and crossing things off my to-do list. Somewhere along the line, it seems that my concept of what is important must have gotten skewed.

Could I be inspired to be a more honest, kind person? A person of warmth and truth, of integrity and compassion? Someone who people would choose to spend time with, even if they knew my thoughts?

Another observation:

'The amazing thing about Jessica is that what she says and what she's thinking is usually the same thing. With most people there's an internal conversation that's different than what they're saying. Swimming in them [observing them] is like watching a 3-D movie without the glasses. Thoughts and words overlap but not exactly. But with Jessica her thoughts and words are in sync.'

I can't do this book justice, or even really give you a good sense of it but it's a gem, and I really look forward to reading more from this author.

cranberry pie with orange rind.

handmade projects

i've been on a little gift-to-myself vacation, with adam's encouragement, before i get back to tutoring again.

i have the problem of wanting to clear my to-do list completely before i sit down to fun projects.

but i'm gradually learning the art of letting things go for a few days, because they'll eventually get done.

so i baked some sprouted grain bread. picked up a sewing project that had been lingering for over a year (turning a favorite old skirt into a dress). sewed some stray buttons onto clothes. and one of the most fun things has been making blank books from some really wonderful paper adam got for free. i'm in the middle of sewing ten bundles of ten pages each into a book. we poked holes where the paper is folded, and the stitching is going pretty easily, now that i figured out a system.

then i will have to figure out how to put a cover on the books. i'm leaning towards a fabric cover stitched over cardboard for stiffness. it's kind of nice not to use glue, i think. not sure why.

there is something really amazing about hand stitching (aside from the backache i get). it's a very scuptural process, much more versatile than machine stitching.

gratefulness

just before we left on our vacation, we had no heat in our apartment for 5 days.

temperatures were very low, and our ability to do anything was severly impaired as we packed basic necessities and camped out at a friend's house one day, a sister in law's another. we spent three nights here in the cold, one with no heat, another with the oven on intermittently, and the last night using an electric space heater finally provided by the apartment complex (we were too stubborn to buy one).

---

we just returned from our trip. last night i got up to get a cup of water in the night. standing in the again warm kitchen i mused on how wretched we can feel if only one thing that we rely on is not working.

and now that the heat is back on, i want to be grateful for it, instead of taking it for granted. so many other things ARE working. water, electricity, gas, the computer, our cars, the internet connection (most of the time). adam's cellphone doesn't work for now, that's an aggravation.

the same goes for the body. so many things ARE working. i am basically in good health...all systems go. the hairs on my head are graying, the intestines were a little slow on the trip. i have been experiencing some light flashes in my peripheral vision, but i had them checked thoroughly, and have a doctor's word that while it's happening a little earlier than usual, it's just the deterioration of the eye that comes with age.

something i'd like to implement this year is a daily noting of things i am thankful for. i know that practicing seeing the events of my life through a lens of gratitude can alter my experience, and give me joy.

this makes me want to create my own mythic walking shoes.

from khalil gibran's the prophet

"When you work, you fulfill a part of earth's furthest dream, assigned to you when that dream was born."

These words paint a picture to me of a baby being born. The earth and its people community say, here is a child. To this child, we entrust the safeguarding of this dream.

And so that child has a dream, a commitment, an obligation, to bring something unique, special to this planet, that only she or he ever could.

I wish that our jobs felt like this for us. I know that almost everyone I know does not experience this in their employment.

Currently I earn money by helping students to understand math. I like to help people overcome hurdles that are between them and what they would like to achieve. I like explaining math to minds that are curious. I like giving the underprivileged an advantage so that they can live up to their potential as humans. I like showing people that math is understandable and accessible.

But there are times when my student doesn't care about anything except passing, with minimal effort. When their cellphones go off and they try to hide that they are looking at them. When they want me to do all the work and thinking for them.

There are other times when the student is earnest and hard-working, but the skills that they are expected to master are so unbelievably silly, convoluted, and irrelevant to their life. I can see that the only way they are going to learn to do the math is to stifle the voice that says "why, what is the point?" "I would so much rather be learning something I am interested in!"

Why shouldn't they learn what they care about? Why has the curriculum of so many students been pre-determined? Why can't each child learn to follow their curiosity?

I think this brings me back to the quotation at the top. If a student has had to silence their true voice in order to get by, is it any wonder that when they turn 18, when they graduate and face an unbelievable array of choices of "careers"...that they are unable to know who they are, what they are supposed to do?

I am learning that each of us is unique, with a purpose, with special skills, gifts for our families, our communities, and our world. And I'm learning that children, even while quite young, need to be nurtured to discover their own uniqueness. Not in a spirit of arrogance, but as future contributors, as givers, caretakers, creators. In a spirit of generosity.

And what about my gift to the world? I think I have more to give than explaining math, although it can be fun. I would like to become wise, to learn to live at peace with myself, with others, and with God, my Father. I would like to learn how to live wisely and gently on this beautiful earth. I would like to give kindness and love to my family and my friends.

The amazing thing is that so much has been given to me by others who lived the truth of the prophet's statement. And I am grateful for that. The books that I read are gifts from writers who worked to express the wisdom they had gained in their short lives. People who do not write have taught me to live.

I guess it is a cycle of giving. Sort of like the cycles in nature, where nothing is ever wasted.

books i've been reading lately

I'm not too far into it, but the first 3 anecdotes are vivid, unforgettable examples of how the global industrialization of food threatens the loss of so much wisdom and uniqueness and nutrition worldwide. More positively, this book promises to tell of many who are working to combat the trend of making food the same everywhere.


This book tells about traditions lost, that we thankfully can revive in order to regain health. It's a great resource. I'm reading about sprouting grains and soaking them.

An early Christmas present. I'm enjoying reading about Fukuoka's journey in trying to put his beliefs into practice, and after 30 years of trial and error and struggle, finally having remarkable success. It's encouraging for anyone who wants to change how they live. Never stop trying new ideas.


Maya Angelou's shares what she has learned with her spiritual daughters.


An inspiring book of photographs of traditional homes all over the world, primarily made of earth, thatch, and some wood and stone. It makes me happy to think that all that is required is ingenuity and work, because the materials are there already. And many of these homes can be built by women as well as men.

excerpts from "one straw revolution" by masanobu fukuoka

The usual way to go about developing a method is to ask "How about trying this?" or "How about trying that?" bringing in a variety of techniques one upon the other. This is modern agriculture and it only results in making the farmer busier.

My way was opposite. I was aiming at a pleasant, natural way of farming which results in making the work easier instead of harder. "How about not doing this? How about not doing that?"--that was my way of thinking. I ultimately reached the conclusion that there was no need to plow, no need to apply fertilizer, no need to make compost, no need to use insecticide. When you get right down to it, there are few agricultural practices that are really necessary.

Fukuoka is quite the radical. Yet I think I agree with the foundation of his views. We've created such a headache of anxiety and complexity in the name of improving our lives and the world. But the truth is that by attempting to regain some of the natural balance, we can reduce our struggling, and simply rest in the perfect way that things were created.

A return to the natural way of things cannot happen overnight. It must come gradually, as one by one, we subtract the "improvements" that actually aren't helping at all.

Unnatural solutions always create new problems. If each successive round of problems caused by these unnatural solutions is again approached by fighting against, rather than working with, nature--the complexity and anxiety will be endless. On the other hand, if we take a step back and really see the root of the problems, we can re-examine our philosophy, simplify our lives, and solve problems by aligning ourselves with the way things were meant to be: simple, healthy, beautiful, peaceful.

Each of us can find our own way to prove that this is true.

excerpts

from "One Hundred Years of Solitude" by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Jose Arcadio Buendia was completely ignorant of the geography of the region. He knew that to the east there lay in impenetrable mountain chain.... To the south lay the swamps, covered with an eternal vegetable scum, and the whole vast universe of the great swamp, which, according to what the gypsies said, had no limits. The great swamp in the west mingled with a boundless extension of water where there were soft skinned cetaceans.... According to Jose Arcadio Buendia's calculations, the only possibility of contact with civilization lay along the northern route....

He threw his directional instruments and his maps into a knapsack, and he undertook the reckless adventure.

------------------------

I peer in my knapsack to see what maps and instruments I am relying on. Because I am largely ignorant of the geography of my life, and yet something compells me, calls me, into the adventure. A sense of purpose, of impending discovery, beckons to me, and yet sometimes I feel like I lack the recklessness to step forth.

"I wanted to be sure to reach you;
though my ship was on the way it got caught
in some moorings..."
--from The Harbormaster, by Frank O'Hara

from another book:

"The life of the spirit is not an assumption. It is a struggle. And the proof of its existence is not faith, but longing."

--Patricia Hampl

what an incredible day. i'm so thankful for such an amazing leader.

i am glad i voted.

imagine

..flinging your heart open to offer the best thing you could possibly give to the world.

imagine making that your passionate life's work.

i feel a hope blooming within me. this evening's light glows in the golden leaves outside. inside my chest, a different glow, with love for my husband who lights up my life.

reading about masanobu fukuoka inspires me to write a lot of things

Masanobu Fukuoka was a pioneer of a very different type of farming. He advocated no-till farming, and i'm super excited to have gotten an electronic copy of his book from a holistic agriculture library at soilandhealth.org.

I have to share a quote i picked up on wikipedia:

...if modern agriculture continues to follow the path it's on now, it's finished. The food-growing situation may seem to be in good shape today, but that's just an illusion based on the current availability of petroleum fuels. All the wheat, corn, and other crops that are produced on big American farms may be alive and growing, but they're not products of real nature or real agriculture. They're manufactured rather than grown. The earth isn't producing those things... petroleum is!
Masanobu Fukuoka, Mother Earth News interview, 1982

I don't know if petroleum alone is the source of fertilizers and pesticides, but it is at least partially what they are manufactured from. Maybe he is also referring to fuels needed to run tractors on?

The statement reminds me of something stated in the Corporation movie. Someone made the analogy between modern capitalism and an attempt at flight. An aviation pioneer had taken a plane off of a very high cliff and the air was blowing by. He believed he was flying, but it was only an illusion because the cliff was so high. Capitalism, too, appears to be working because the resources of this planet are so vast. But thinking that capitalism in its current form works is a false illusion. It is fundamentally unsustainable, and if it continues to be practiced, will lead to a disastrous end. I believe that disastrous effects are already seen everywhere, in many forms, whether it's food shortages, global warming, loss of biodiversity, and the loss of fundamental humanness and creativity and kindness to each other.

At any rate, if there is to be an end to this disastrous decline, it must come from a return to sanity. I know that my aversion to technological advances isn't completely right, but I feel that the vast majority of inventions, of scientific discoveries have hurt us more than helping us. For every new invention, accompanying problems are soon discovered. We think we have improved on nature by air-conditioning our dwellings, and yet we soon discover that power grids are in peril and our air is polluted by coal-burning power plants.

I even think that new green technology (solar power) will eventually be found to have some serious problems, whether it is in the products and energy used to manufacture them, or in the electromagnetic radiation they might produce, or something. Even though they're considered green (and I would certainly choose them over a nuclear plant or a coal burning plant) they are unnatural on some level. In the end I think the best solution would be yes, let's do wind and solar energy. But let's also stop using appliances that suck far too much energy. I guess another good research project for myself would be looking into the usage of different appliances. Creating heat from electricity tends to be very energy intensive, so dryers, toasters, electric stoves, hot water heaters, electric kettles, and space heaters take up a lot of electricity. Are there lower-energy alternatives? Clotheslines are easy. Toasters? I don't know a good alternative. Solar water heaters work--I don't know how expensive they are but they save a LOT of energy. I think low-tech models have been made by resourceful individuals. Perhaps my husband will invent one for us one day.

Speaking of energy efficiency, I live in an apartment that is incredibly warm all winter, where we can't control the heat. Well, except by opening the windows. Terrible energy use. So it's not like I am scolding. It's hard to make these things better.

I think I am going to continue my ramble just a little further.

From my own experience, the greatest obstacle to being kinder to our planet is the fact that we are all in such a hurry all the time. At my job, we throw away plastics rather than recycle--probably because we don't have the time to sort. Just a little time is needed, but we are so busy we don't take that time. (At least some Canadians recycle their fast food trash.) Another example--I live in a great little town that is probably 10 blocks wide each way. But how often am I in too big of a rush to walk to the store, the library, so i drive instead?

Many of us don't have time to grow vegetables, which would benefit us, our communities, our environment, and the planet. I wish we could just slow down enough to hang our clothes on the line, tend our vegetables, cook our meals, walk instead of drive somewhere. It would be an eco-revolution of peaceful, mindful choices, of less, and maybe somewhere in our slowed-down life we'd find more time to be gentle and concerned about our neighbors.

The faster, more stressed out our lives are, the more the corporations have us just where they want us, with no time to thoughtfully make the best choices for ourselves and the planet. We are just trying to survive from day to day.

The thing that really excites me about these thoughts is that while rushing is the exact thing that is wrong with our society, it is also amazing that the benefits to slowing down go far beyond the ecological.

Going more slowly allows us to experience God, our families, nature, and our selves. It allows us to experience life as we were intended to experience it. The rushing life of hyper-consumerism is one that will destroy our humanness, our relationships with old people, children, friends and spouses. But choosing to take the slow path is a way to return to truth, peace, awareness, beauty, and enriched relationships.

The price we pay is convenience, but I think that for the most part convenience is a lie sold to us by companies desperate for us to spend money on gadgets.


To return to Masanobu Fukuoka. This man died August 18 of this year, not long after I discovered him, via a blog post by keri smith. I feel like he reaffirms my growing belief that many things that are too hard and too complicated and too expensive are hard and complicated and expensive because they involve us fighting against nature, against the perfect way God created the world to function.

"Natural farming is not just for growing crops, it is for the cultivation and perfection of human beings."

I am looking forward to learning from this book.

i've been wanting to write here, but i've been thinking about such a broad range of interconnected subjects, that it's all rather daunting.

the way the stock market has been tanking lately, wondering if a crash would really be a bad thing. couldn't it rather be the death of a bad thing? and wondering how to life a way that is free as much as possible of being owned by corporations.


but yet as our government is increasingly owned by the mega-corporations, and works to protect them more than its citizens now, free living may not be possible, while we are within the borders of this nation, and under its jurisdiction. which i guess leads to thinking of civil disobedience (the title of a book by Thoreau).

the vision of a life i'd like to lead becomes clearer to me...we talk often of oregon. gardens, apple trees, vines, trellises, a handmade dwelling.

i think about education--as i tutor for a living, and i really enjoy working with individuals, getting to know them, seeing their brains engaging with the subject matter. conveying to them abstract ideas, expressing to them (sometimes) how i feel about algebra. sometimes i love it. tonight i was tutoring someone who clearly had a searching mind, and somehow it makes the subject matter more interesting. maybe any subject is more interesting to a mind that is curious towards it. i wonder what type of education i'd want to give my children. what has been my mode of learning and exploring the world? many things about american public school education are a terrible waste. but can i think of a better alternative? how is it that a mind best develops, remains excited about learning, discovers the world, finds passion and purpose?

i feel like what i've opened my eyes to in the last few years has really changed me. my desire for increased simplicity, honesty, my disenchantment with my teaching job. the desire to live in a handmade dwelling. learning about building houses, energy efficient methods, beautiful dwellings. how do you pick between the inherent yuckiness of a material like styrofoam or fiberglass, and the fact that it's an excellent insulator?

then becoming interested in the politics, the ecology, the ethics, and of course the health implications of food choices. and in reading about this, coming more fully aware of how, repeatedly, our government has chosen the interests of mega-farms and massive food companies over the bests interests of its citizens. whether it's the environmental devastation wreaked by these mono-cultures, the artificial pesiticides and fertilizers (some of which are petroleum by-products, and so are linked with our war-mongering, too). or the pollution caused by transporting foods many hundreds of miles before its eaten. or the health effects of insanely over-processed foods, which are then fortified with the fad-nutrient of the day, and which when finally packaged (in too much plastic, cardboard, wrap, much of which never is recycled) and placed on a shelf at a price many, many times higher than that which the farmer was paid to produce it.




so the farmer loses, the land loses, the consumer loses. who wins? all those huge food companies, whose only interest is more money, increasing its stock value. not providing truly good food, not protecting our planet, not fair pricing.

what a depressing picture! and then i pick up a book like this, and inspiration overcomes me. there is hope. and i want to be a part of it. i want to help bring hope, beauty, good food, simple living, to this world, in some small way.



i feel like until this year, i forgot all about seeds. remember? how there are seeds inside apples? they aren't just part of what we spit out, we throw away. they are promises that this apple needn't be our last.

the cherry tomato plants i grew this year came from seeds from grocery store tomatoes. so did the peppers. they did really well. in front of me on the table are four seeds from an organic apple, a jonagold, that was so delicious and flavorful that we were astounded at every bite. maybe an apple will come again from those seeds.

it seems like a tiny lesson to me that our needs are not so impossible to fill. God gives us what we need. we don't need so much money to be living well. look! fresh air, breezes. we can grow things from the soil. sunshine is free. rain falls.

entering in

what is the secret to a truly magical life? how do we find fulfillment, happiness, the satisfaction we dream of but often can't lay our hands on on this particular day?

i've heard lots of answers. i've seen people exuding magic, radiating something as they live.

there is a recognition, when i'm close. but often i am far from that path.

"slowness. that is the key to happiness..." said monsieur ibrahim in the movie of the same name.

there are so many other ways i've collected in my 'research'. but i forget, i indulge my sorrows, nurse wounds or resentments. i hurry, and want others to be more efficient. or i focus on the future rather than the present.

Matthew 18:3 "Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven."

The only way to get in is this: childlike simplicity, being present, appreciative, unhurried, unworried.

....

Today, I am off work early. Maybe there's time for a little soak in a hot tub before I run off and tutor a new student in some Calculus.

objects, things, posessions

there is this undeniable connection we have with our things.

i struggle with the fact that i want to be free and unweighted down. and yet many objects are so helpful, or filled with memories, or part of a hobby or interest, or a useful craft.

yesterday we emptied out the garage unit i'd been renting since march. many of the things we threw away were found for free in roadside discards. yet, i felt bad that i hadn't made the things i knew i could make from them. then i consoled myself that if i did make more furniture, we'd just have more to take when we make our next move.

the tables, crates, and bench i made are great, and all but one can be taken apart and transported in pieces.

but the things! the other things we'd intended to sell at a garage sale and then i had to work that day, and it rained, and we didn't do it. we ended up moving the things into the basement of an adjoining building in our complex. and sort of laughing to ourselves that maybe we'd just leave them there forever.

today we discovered that someone had helped themselves to some books and adam's old atari he'd planned to try to sell. and we sort of didn't care.

i guess part of it for me is not wanting to put things in the garbage, and yet there is this old man here that when you leave things BY the dumpster for others to help themselves to...he obsessively throws them into the dumpster right away.

so putting things into the basement turns out to be the perfect solution--we don't feel bad about throwing them away, and someone might steal them, and if they don't, we can go back and get them any time.

so often i just wish i could be free of all these objects that take up so much time and energy. but my woodworking tools, old pieces of cloth waiting to be sewn, photoalbums, mugs i made in the ceramics phase, most of them i can't part with yet. and until i'm ready to, i won't.

maybe one day we'll have a place on some land and we won't be thinking that a move is in the future, and we'll hang on to scraps of cloth, pieces of wood, miscellaneous hinges and screws and nails, bottles. and everything will be useful, someday...and i will get over my need to purge and be lightweight.

i think that time is closer than ever.

still here

after a month and a half without a computer or internet connection in our home, i feel like i gained a freedom from web use that i really cherish...although it's been really aggravating not having google and email at our disposal.

new developments in life here:

married life
a new apartment
a used laptop
making homemade: salsa, tortillas, pear pie, bookshelves
growing on the balcony: cherry tomatoes, basil, peppers, rosemary, lettuce & greens

also--a lot of wondering about my future occupation or contribution to society. i read a lot, and feel that after a period of obsession and research into housing and carpentry, i am now moving into an interest in food, gardening, agriculture, the food industry, and the problems in our American society (greed, constant hurry, large corporations, a loss of touch with the truly important things in life).

i think writing here is important for me. it's a space to organize my thoughts, to practice writing, and to chronicle my journey. so i think i'll get back to posting, maybe weekly. if anyone is still reading, i'm glad! see you next time!

i usually write almost weekly. it's been almost a month.

in that time i started a new job at a coffee shop. i've been learning a lot, and enjoying it. it's totally different from tutoring math, which is how i've been supporting myself since i bailed on my contractor boss back in february.

i am still tutoring students, so it's busy.

summer is hot here. my tomato plants look sad almost every day, until i water them, but show no signs of producing fruit. however, the salad greens and rosemary have made delicious additions to many meals.

i haven't had time to work with wood for some time now. i hope to get back in there really soon to finish up some projects and maybe launch that dream rustic farmhouse dining table.

i guess that's all for now. i'm not sure what my purpose is with this blog lately. i guess we will see if it drops off naturally or regains momentum again. maybe i will want to share ideas here again when life is less hectic.

july, then august. it's hot. i sold my air conditioner last summer, and while i don't regret it, i sorely need my daily shower about this time every day.

i'm not in love with summer, but then, there are farmer's markets, open windows, and swimming pools. better yet: those desperately needed evening thunderstorms, when the sky gets dark, and a cool breeze says: "relief--soon!" taking a walk and getting wet feels great. getting drenched is even better.

tonight, the sky is clear. no sign of a rain.