tuesday

bleakness has come over me. i don't feel optimism in any direction.

dreams are fragile things. when you express a hope, and someone counsels you: "well, you know, you would probably still feel frustrated even if you __________________ [moved elsewhere, found a different job, met a significant other]."

not to mention that getting any of these things seems so elusive anyway!

is the message to simply accept a dissatisfactory existence and not go for better?

this is not the full source of my melancholy. other things make me paranoid--has something shifted? have the planets aligned themselves so that i am now entering a dark phase? did i bring upon myself a double dose of 'the shadow'? it's this vague unease. i don't feel free to love generously, and when you withdraw that generosity, that hope, things change in your heart.

i don't like being superstitious. i hope this passes.