Saturday, October 21, 2006

i was supposed to go visit b. today, but the forces of traffic at the holland tunnel and no cash when i tried to park at metropark to catch a train later, overcame me and i ended up staying home, reading, thinking, journalling, making fried potato pancakes, and now drinking decaf. still thinking. i can only call this my midlife crisis in full swing.

Maybe i just don't believe in the educational system any more. But if that's what we're stuck with, is it better to leave it or to try to work within its flawed structure? I feel stifled by the requirements put on me by it. I feel like a pawn of a system that I don't believe in.

I want to drop out of the system.

Questions (from It's Only Too Late If You Don't Start Now)
Where am I going?
Did I do the right thing with my time so far?
What's ahead?
What are my greatest fears?
Why do I really want in my future?
What do I definitely not want any more of?
What regrets would I hate to have when I look back on my life in later years?
Why am I on this planet?

-I'm not going to do anyone any good if I'm not doing what my heart of hearts wants.

"It is from our parents that we learn how to think for ourselves or how not to, how to have relationships or how not to, and how to succeed or how to live a life of "quiet desperation"...The main injunctions...tend to come from one of the parents, and the parent of the opposite sex is often the source. The parent of the same sex then teaches the youngster how to comply with these injunctions and attributions."
--from Do What You Love, The Money Will Follow

as you can see i'm reading all the 'fix your life' books i can get my hands on. some of them seem directed at bored 40 year old men who are married and work in a cubicle. it doesn't really matter. i'm turning thirty and i want freedom and a different life.

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