guilt

i HATE feeling guilty. i feel guilty a lot. my battle against guilt has been long & hard. i've had some small victories.

yesterday someone asked me to do something for them. it was not a small request. it was a big one. and given who was asking, it was really hard for me to say "no." i had no idea whether they REALLY needed me to do them this favor, or if it was no big deal for me to decline. i REALLY didn't want to do what i was asked to do, and in the end this was the biggest factor i considered in making my decision. but the point is, i agonized quite a bit over whether or not to be selfless & help out.

after thinking about it for a while, i was sort of annoyed that this person had asked me to do the favor. don't they know how HARD it is for me to say no!?! why put me through this?!? but--not everyone has the same neuroses i do.

i finally called and said, "i don't think i'm up for it." the person was pretty cool with it. i was relieved. phew.

i know i have issues with thinking that i'm indispensible to the rest of the universe. is this the key to my feeling so bad about saying no? i just feel horrible if i think i've let someone down or disappointed them.

when i spend all of my time helping others and taking on their projects, i start to get resentful & grouchy. of course, being a pathological people pleaser doesn't really bother anyone except the person who is pathologically pleasing people. everyone else thinks you're the nicest person ever. they LOVE you, and it takes quite a while for you to realize that your tendency is really a pathology.

i'm learning. ever so slowly.