between the silence
before birth
and the silence
after death
...
are the days
we string up
one after another
waking, quickly going
tasking, then returning
...
i really don't understand
why we move so much
why it's hard to be still
what exactly we think we are doing
...
what are we doing?
the constraints of a life...
only so many things you can do
within an hour, a day, a season, a year
if you choose well, it's balanced.
you feel alive, and connected
to both people and a purpose.
The world may respond more enthusiastically to some of your offerings than to others.
I've pursued paths and had doors close, close, close.
Other times alignment felt magical, and doors opened.
In 2015 when I left New Jersey, I applied for a timberframing apprenticeship, and did not get in. I went to a timberframing workshop, got violently ill, and had to leave. I was introduced to a timber framing mentor, and went out to work with him on a rural property, but things got weird and I chose to leave. I loved the idea of timberframing, but ultimately I realized it just wasn't working for me. But all the timber framing experiences have informed my furniture making.
I moved to Portland Oregon for a month, joined a woodworking maker space, and made furniture. I made up a residency program that was exactly what I needed at the time.
I let go of timberframing, but opportunities to learn housebuilding skills continued to open up. Workaway.com provided 2 weeks of learning basic wiring, which I was able to apply at another workaway stay. I traveled with my van and tools and made friends in the valley where I'd ultimately settle. I helped a friend build a cabin and learned the basics of conventional framing.
I'd tried to escape teaching, but a teaching job opened up and I took it. The stability and income enabled me to buy a property and build, first a shed, and then my own house.
...
Now that I am living in the house, I'm curious which doors will open and which will close for me, as I look to my next chapters.
My teaching position connects me with other teachers, whose wide-ranging experiences and backgrounds open up my perspective. My students connect me to this community via the experiences they share. I see the many ways teaching grounds me and supports my life.
But making things, and design! I love materials, and tangible, humble, practical objects. Will it be furniture, houses, or something else? Is this a new career, or a side hustle?
Two ways to navigate forward. One is to listen to my heart. The other is to watch for doors that close, and doors that open.
...
Today, I choose: to spend the afternoon creating my woodworking space.
...isn't to be perfect
it's to figure out
who you are
how to be you
and how to be part of things.
To do so kindly, authentically
quirkily, honestly
humbly, and with a certain
pride
in the unique notes
you bring
to your community
Age fifty approaches. I find flashes of overwhelm, with my things, my tasks, the impossibility of victory over life. Entropy gains on me.
Yes - I teach my classes, I do laundry, cook meals, see friends. I do the things I'm expected to, even appear moderately succesful. Exercise, bathe and dress, do my hair. Vitamins, vegetables, doctor visits.
Yet the realization dawns: health problems will increase. Exposure to injury and harm is unavoidable.
Somehow, accepting this: that I will ultimately lose the battle with entropy, that I'll succomb to whatever kills me, that I'll sink into the earth sooner or later, it's a relief. I'm trying to stay on top, but it's to be expected that I'll eventually fail. Which is how it's supposed to be.
Today I can keep things simple, stay closer to the soil. When it's time, I will more easily slip beneath it. I'll let go of my affairs; the creatures and beings that come after me will carry life forward.
A friend and I decided to go to a Bahai service. We characterized this as anthropological research into "things humans do". Neither of us are interested in finding a church to belong to, but so many humans do join churches, so it seemed worthy of investigation.
The Bahai religion has its roots in Persia (Iran). I contacted the local Bahai group via their website and chatted with a woman, who shared details with me about various services we could attend.
Many religious groups find their numbers dwindling, as more of us identify as non-religious entirely, or perhaps 'spiritual but not religious'. This particular group met in a building that may have originally been a home. Perhaps 12 people joined via zoom, and we sat with 4 other people in what would have been the living room of the house.
We were warmly welcomed and assured that we could participate with comments, questions, or by sharing prayers if we wanted to. The opening video made clear that this is an inclusive faith that welcomes people of all races and religions. The video showed fields of tulips and lots of smiling faces, with a song playing over it all.
After that, we read the 8 readings provided in the pamphlet. Participants in person and on zoom spontaneously read the readings out loud, one at a time. Since this coming week is the spring equinox, the theme of the service was spring. One of the readings stated that everything that happens in nature is symbolic of the spiritual world. Spring represents a renewal in the spiritual world.
After the readings was a time for prayer. I was surprised that when participants prayed, they used old english, addressing God as "Thou". People prayed for the world, for friends who are sick, and for some who had recently died (that God would have mercy and turn shortcomings to good).
Prayer was followed by a discussion of the readings. One person shared that the Bahai faith illuminates her reading of the Bible. (She may have said that she is also a Christian.) Others quoted Bahá'u'lláh, the founder of their faith. Someone asked about a sentence that says that everything in the natural world has its counterpart in the spiritual world. She seemed to want to understand what this meant literally.
....
After I came home, I wrote in my notebook:
What is religion for?
-to bring peace to the world (I read this in a Bahai pamphlet)
-to form community (from a sign outside their building)
-to remind us of our shared values and ideals (this is what I sensed from the participants in the service)
....
Do I want a religion? Or, what type of religion do I want?
This seemed like a good thing to ponder after this experience.
For the three items I listed above:
-Peace seems like an important objective for all humans! I am saddened that there are forces that seem to be working towards increased hostility and agitation, but there are also many kind humans who are caring for other people. I know religious groups have also done practical caring for the poor and homeless as well. I feel like I can be a force for peace without being part of a religion.
-Community. I value my community at work and my community of friends. It's a little overwhelming to add a different circle of friends from a faith group. When I was new in town, I joined the Quaker community for a while. Once my relationships broadened, I didn't feel a need for that additional community any more. I think all relationships can be part of one's community. I can see the value in a larger group as opposed to many one-on-one relationships, though.
-Shared Values & Ideals. This area of my life is really personal. I read books and form my own guiding principles, and at times discuss them with friends, but a group discussion (like would happen in a church setting) just isn't part of my life. Sometimes I wish others would adhere to the principles I've chosen for myself, but I have to remind myself that they're free to live with their own philosophies.
...
Here are some of my values:
Undivided Life
-I don't like having to use a different type of language (Thee/Thou, old english) to discuss spiritual matters or address God.
-I've always disliked having to put on special clothes (for example skirts) when going to church.
The theme I sense here is that I value a consistency and undividedness in my life. Can I be the same person in the various parts of my life?
Messy/Real
-The videos were very beautiful but a little too perfect. I guess if someone wants to be uplifted they can focus on only the beautiful parts of life, but there's so much messiness to make sense of.
I want to be able to look at all the messy, confusing, hard bits of life. It's all part of the whole. I'm always looking for order in the chaos but I don't want order at the expense of honesty or realness.
Questions
-I sense that people want to have explanations or theories for things. For example, they want to know exactly what their religion teaches on a certain point.
I don't really find that useful. What is a particular group's dogma on what happens after death? Or what is the relationship one should have with God? Or is there a God? How does one access him/her? These are all unanswerable (if valuable) questions. I actually don't relate to the desire to have it all figured out/sewn up in a neat package of "these are my beliefs".
I prefer to hold the questions. I feel that not having the answers keeps me closer to sensing what is true and real. Questions are the tool for exploring and cracking things open.
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