i guess it's about time i posted again...

i've been so busy this past week. training in manhattan started monday, which means leaving home at 5:50 in the morning to catch the train. a quick subway ride later, i'm walking into the building where I'm enrolled in a six week training program to prepare me for entering an apprenticeship in the union of my choice. options include electrician, painter, plumber, carpenter, elevator mechanic, and many more.

so i've completed four days. the first week consists entirely of classroom experiences; i'm excited about what next week will bring. we've been focusing on math (fractions and more fractions) as well as learning about the different trades and how a union apprenticeship works.

i'm not sure union work is for me, but i'm not going to make a definitive statement until the end of this experience. it's interesting to meet the other women in the project. there are about 16 of us in this group--one, like me, used to be a teacher, and is orthodox (!). another went AWOL from the army because her assignment was changed without her consent to drive trucks in iraq, which is a job with a lot of fatalities. some are super shy, others are boisterous. many are single moms who are looking for a better living. some of us really just want to do something different. a girl that i sit by in class used to work for verizon and commuted 2 hours each way--then she got laid off and so this is the plan.

so...that's it. next week we'll be learning about painting, or doing it--hopefully some of the latter.

my investment in this program is the 12 hour days i put in, the approximately $350 i'll pay for train fares, and six weeks of my life. at the end, i hope to have acquired more skills with tools and materials, and if nothing else, feel more confident in approaching a remodeler or contractor for a job where i can pick up skills.

my sense is that union work is highly specialized--you learn a trade and do that. personally, i'd rather have a variety of skills--some wiring, plumbing, carpentry, and landscaping, which i can offer to clients. so i'm still reading my books and researching possibilities for later.

today, over lunch, i wandered in the direction of the hudson river and came across some galleries and a bookstore in chelsea. the photo above shows "dream raft" by thomas beale (i didn't see the raft--just stole the photo). he works with wood he finds or buys from salvage places.

i think i'll do more wandering over my lunch breaks.

clover

yesterday i repotted plants and set them up by the window on a little bookshelf i saved from the curb. this clover is not one of them...but the green of spring is so invigorating and joyful. dirt under the nails.

yesterday was my last teaching day. it affirmed my decision, because once again, i hated what i was teaching--hated how unnecessary so much of it is, how pointless and hard to grasp for so many of my students. the premise that the same educational process and content will work for all students is simply wrong. those who have failed at algebra repeatedly shouldn't be required to keep trying and failing in order to move on. there is other important math that they could learn. but the system is so inflexible.

some students see their hopes of a degree crumbling because they can't figure out what the heck they are supposed to do with all the x's. and this kid that will pass my class just found out that the extraordinary effort he made is not enough. now he has to pass 4 more math classes to get into the business program he is interested in.

i have two days of testing. this weekend i will write tests. i will also cart math books back to school and do more grading.

meanwhile, people who found out what my plans are have been so encouraging and supportive. i've had people tell me of home repairs they need and give me great ideas:

-"go for it! do it with all your heart!" from a wonderful colleague.

-find a company that installs solar panels. [i found one, nearby.] that way you can find environmentally minded builders as well as clients.

-take some environmental archtecture/engineering courses, so that you can be much more well-informed than the typical builder. your work will be more efficient and you will get more business as a result.

-you may eventually find yourself running a business, which you will have to learn to build. [eek!]

-make sure you know the problem is the teaching job, not you. otherwise, you will have the same problem whereever you go. [quite true.]

-"you're single, you can take the risk, so go for it!"

-"i'm so excited for you! i wish i could do something like that!"

many people suggested that i stay at the job and just do this in the summers and part time. in many ways it makes sense, but i felt that it would be the wrong decision for me at this time. it is so hard for me to make a decision like this. taking the plunge when i'm ready to and jumping into something new and exciting brings with it a certain adrenaline that i can use to propel me forward. if i kept doing what i was really sick of doing, i think it would suck too much energy out of me and cause my new venture to suffer as a result.

i'm 30. the time is now.

herein is peace

again & again i'm reminded of how necessary it is to live with a firm grounding in truth. i'm not really referring to truth as a philosophy, although it could be that too. i mean truth as in your most honest assessment of the present moment.

i am so often tempted to "spin" the facts to my own liking, or to my own convenience. but when i do so i feel a sense of unease.

so i wrote on the palm of my hand, with a black magic marker, the words "accept reality".

after all, reality is all there is.

"cease striving, and know that i am god"
--so says the ever-existing one.

happy earth day

from "the great divorce" by c. s. lewis

"Hell is a state of mind--ye never said a truer word. And every state of mind, left to itself, every shutting up of the creature within the dungeon of its own mind--is, in the end, Hell. But Heaven is not a state of mind. Heaven is reality itself."

This reminds me of a night (several years ago) when nightmares and foreboding plagued me. I always sleep with earplugs in. It was as if I was floating wretchedly in endless space.

At dawn, I pulled out my earplugs, and what I heard was the most lovely, simple, real thing. It brought me back to earth, back from the whirling torments of a restless mind. A raindrop, landing on my wet windowsill, sounded its single perfect note.

i haven't spent a quiet morning at home in a long while, so it's very peaceful to sit here, drinking coffee, feeling a cool breeze. the sky is overcast outside, but now that we have heat again it doesn't feel quite so ominous.

between the shootings monday and the roads closed due to the raritan river rising and rising (right behind our complex, although we are on a bluff) we were starting to feel a little spooked. add to that no heat or hot water because of flooding in our basement.

but things are back to a semblance of normal, for now. the jade plants are happy that i remembered to raise the blinds for them. just that tiny ritual of caring for two lovely little beings gives me joy.

yesterday the textbook on carpentry (for the vocational building class) arrived in the mail. it's huge, and packed with information.

the day before, my new contract for 07-08 arrived in the mail. it's sad to look at the number of dollars i'll be turning down if i don't sign it. still, my dreams are of houses.

__________

i think there is a common thread running through my love of mathematics, of philosophy/religion, and now of building. there is a large cluster of rules--somewhat intimidating, tangled, and unnecessarily complex. and like a closet filled with some treasures and some junk and desperately in need of sorting, this body of rules draws me. i want to pull it all apart and understand each piece. then, armed with that knowledge, i want to strip the whole thing down to its essentials, so that what was complicated, ugly, and intimidating becomes simple, elegant, and accessible.

the first time i looked at a book explaining how to build a house, i was overwhelmed with the complexity. i was almost turned off. but slowly i'm growing in the hope that it can be done more simply and naturally. i'm learning which systems can be eliminated, and which are essentials.

this is a joyful process! (just as the process of simplifying my religious/philosophical views filled me with a sense of freedom and hope.) of course, there is an inherent arrogance in looking at a system and saying, "i can do it better." and that's before i know anything about it. well, at least i admit it.

what i learned about roofing today at habitat for humanity

(this is all really exciting for me. if it is boring to you, then at least you can be convinced that i have found something i love.)

tar paper goes over the wood. in areas where there's lot of water, you put another kind of tar-rier paper down. flashing goes against the wall, to keep rain from going behind the shingles closest to the wall. moisture is the enemy. it's all about keeping water out of the walls.

shingles begin at the lowest part of the roof and are gradually layered up. you put a double thickness at the beginning. the overlapping is such that everywhere, the shingles are actually two thick. 4 roofing nails to a shingle. the shingles should extend a half inch past the edge of the roof. every other "layer", or course, should begin with a short shingle so that the courses are staggered and cover the gaps between shingles.

in the "valley", the crease where two slopes meet, special 'weaving' techniques ensure that the water that gathers there will be safely funneled down. avoid nailing in the valley as the nails will be more likely to rust.

elsewhere, we make sure that the courses of shingles are well-lined up, use a chalk line and a tape measure to ensure that your shingles are parallel to the edge of the roof. it's easy to get the shingles crooked. it's also easy to erase the chalk lines with your behind if you are scared to stand up on the roof.

near the top you probably will need to trim the shingles so that they stay lined up and go all the way up to the siding (we were working on a roof of a porch, so there was wall above). keep a shingle underneath the shingle you are cutting so you don't cut through and slice your nice roofing job.

the shingles we were working with are called 'architectural shingles'. they have lots of flaps at irregular intervals, so they look fancier than the simpler ones with just three flaps each. habitat for humanity doesn't go for fancy accessories but they get lots of donations and sometimes the donations are for the high end version of a product.

i had so much fun today. i didn't wear sunscreen so i'm a bit burnt. the weather was gorgeous and i was just having the best time enjoying the air. the other people are nice. my hands are a bit raw--i really need to find a pair of gloves that fit and a tool belt. they have equipment there you can borrow, but the gloves are all enormous and the tool belts are little wimpy canvas aprons that slide everywhere.

course description: building and construction basics

This is an introductory course designed for the person with little construction or mechanical knowledge. The course will focus on building and construction basic terminology, theory and practical application as it relates to wood framed construction of a single family dwelling. The main topics of this course will be comprehension of dimension, scheduling sequences, measuring and marking for building location, foundations, framing and sheathing. This is not an all inclusive course for construction finishing, however it touches on each and every aspect of rough construction. The course is an essential for those contemplating contracting or becoming a home inspector.

This is the course I begin this Thursday night.

I also have been accepted into NEW's pre-apprenticeship program. I have mixed feelings about it, as being a union carpenter is not really my goal. Still, it's a positive thing. The ball is rolling. I am just a little scared of making a commitment.

the trees are home.

my painting is home! i like the freshness of the air in the sky. it feels like early summer. also, i love the distant horizon. i miss that here. it's so open.

thank you so much, michael. he graciously touched up the farthest tree at my request right before i brought it home. it was cool to watch and to request red dabs. it makes me want to get some brushes and try, too. here is an earlier version michael posted about on his blog. it looks like winter. was it winter? how did the painting become summer?

maybe the next one you paint for me can be a winter one. but i'm really enjoying having this here. what did you put in its place above your table?

wednesday

i went into the city to interview for the 6 week pre-apprenticeship program.

afterwards, i took the subway up to central park. i walked across, pausing to admire the wonderful american elms in the literary walk. i wrote:

one particular tree has tangled limbs that remind me of very long hair blowing in a seaside wind, tangling hopelessly and beautifully.

the branches are veins pulsing dark mystery into the air.

i was headed for the metropolitan museum of art. the painting above is the one that i was most struck with on this visit.

i usually am not a fan of staring at abstract art forever and trying to figure out what it means. but this one really had me. plus, it's huge and the colors are spectacular. a tempest of red, orange, pink brushstokes, and it's HUGE (112 x 148 inches). It's called 'Galisteo Creek' and Susan Rothenberg is the artist.

as a non-educated art lover, my interpretation is probably too obvious (but it's not trees). what do you see in this painting?

this is funny/beautiful

my dream. all these humans, all these dreams. so much yearning. so much chasing.

franny & zooey

i read this a couple of years ago, but i don't know where my copy went (unless it was borrowed). so i ordered another copy and when i got home yesterday and found it in my mail, i promptly sat down and read it straight through.

in some ways it was better than i remembered, and in other ways more irritating. the narrator seems a little too enamored with his characters and their brilliance, attractiveness, and eccentric family dynamics. also with their endless cigarettes and cigars and where they are placed and how they go out and are relit and so on.

yet the frustration of these young adults with the superficialities of society and academia rings true. their critical stance, and then the realization that the disdain is itself an ugly, destructive force, and the resulting despair--all this is expressed well, even if it takes a long time, and the conversation circles and circles and circles again.

zooey and franny grapple with cliches and easy answers from their philosophical and religious upbringing and seem to arrive at a sort of peace by the last page.

i think i read it too fast, but then again, i'm not sure i could have lingered more slowly in the maddening meandering without losing the train of thought completely.

my jade plant is happy and is budding new shoots everywhere since i put it by the east window.

whew! i just got back from working on a habitat for humanity house. i have a headache, brought on from the lethal combination of dashing out of the house without coffee, too little sleep, and the pounding of hammers & shrill whine of the saw in the next room. it was good, maybe almost fun. the two duplex buildings are getting close to completion--we nailed in the subfloor luan boards that go under linoleum in the kitchen & bathroom. that's pretty much it. nails every four inches in an entire kitchen/dining room. i was pretty bad at driving nails but improved a lot. the other people working there were pretty nice. they were all a lot older than me, many of them retired, i think. i have a lot of respect for 50-something women kneeling on the floor pounding nails.

a lot has happened in the last week. thursday i was up early and took the train into new york to attend the orientation at Nontraditional Employment for Women. they offer pre-apprenticeship training for women in the areas of carpentry, painting, and maybe other stuff like welding & electrician, i'm not sure. i think i was the only person there that was white & had a degree. i felt a little awkward, like i might get yelled at if they knew i had a teaching job and a master's degree. a young woman talked to us about what a day of work is like in these jobs. they pay well, but the work is intense, and you can face some prejudice.

we took three aptitude tests in english & math. a video they showed gave me the impression that the construction they are talking about is in large buildings, and maybe big industrial projects. that is not what i'm interested in. i left feeling a little discouraged--feeling like maybe this thing i'd been counting on to be my way into building wasn't really something i could count on or that i even wanted to be a part of. besides, this is for underprivileged people who can't do something else, right?

but the next day i got a phone call saying they wanted to interview me.

after some reflection i decided that they can disqualify me if they want to, but i'm not going to back out. i'll be open with them about what i want to do, and i think i can gain some useful skills working with them.

i spent the afternoon in brooklyn with b. and the boys. good chats, cute boys, legos, thai food, and my beautiful tree painting is nearly done. can't wait!

friday this unbelievable blizzard started dumping right as i was getting ready to drive up to vermont. i hadn't checked the weather. the internet said it would take about 6-7 hours to get there; it took 12. however, i arrived safely in the end and sank gratefully into bed at the hotel near yestermorrow.

the two-day workshop on building energy-efficient houses loaded us with information. we calculated heat loss through various materials such as wood, drywall, windows, insulation. passive solar means orienting your windows to face south and also putting awnings over your windows so that the summer sun is minimized while winter sun is maximized. you can use trig to calculate the necessary angles to achieve this.

composting toilets, super-insulating walls, stone masonry to surround a wood stove and absorb heat which is then released slowly during the night. floors that absorb winter sunlight and then release it slowly. the specific heat of a material is the rate at which it absorbs and then releases heat.

putting insulation around your foundation so that it can retain the heat that seeps out of the house. different types of foundations. making sure that water drains away from the foundation/basement. types of windows (double pane, low emissivity is pretty standard now). being aware of toxic chemicals in many building materials. arsenic & formaldehyde & carcinogens... knowing about less toxic alternatives. also being sensitive to where materials come from and the impact their manufacture has on the earth. cement isn't dangerous to be around, but the manufacture of a ton of cement releases 1.25 tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere!!

about 15 people attended: a mix of builders, interns from yestermorrow, and people who have plans to build houses. the instructor was quite an interesting guy--here's the blurb about him from the yestermorrow website:

From geodesic domes in the 1970s and a community land trust homestead program in rural Maine in 1981, Robert has worked as a project manager, trainer, and consultant for non-profit building projects from inner-city Boston to the hollers of Tennessee. He has focused on passive solar super-insulated buildings, with one of his design/build projects receiving a Citation for Excellence in a national energy/resource-efficient design competition. He is also a ritual leader, vision quest guide, and rites-of-passage facilitator.

it was interesting to chat with some of the others who attended. one guy works for a building company (north of pittsburgh) that specializes in natural/environmentally sensitive building practices. he seemed to know about strawbale construction, among other things. i asked him if i could come and work/volunteer at his job & he gave me his boss's contact information.

i also asked our instructor if i could come up and work on the house he is building this summer. he gave me a less than enthusiastic yes, but it was a yes, nonetheless.

i don't think the style of houses that he builds are exactly what i have in mind, but they are certainly closer in spirit than the traditional style of building.

i want something very small and simple. exceedingly simple. i hate the idea of having so many layers and complexities in the floors and walls and ceilings of your house. however, robert told us about many things that he does not put into houses because he engineers around them. no air circulation/central heating/air conditioning system. no crawl space or basement. so i certainly picked up tips.

[by the way, i really like vermont's landscape and culture. it's a mix of what i think of as out west ruggedness with a little bit of gun rack and some folksy music and a dreadlock or two mixed in. and skiing.]

monday i got on the phone and called habitat for humanity and found options for volunteering on wednesdays and saturdays. i also called the local carpenter's union and was quite intimidated but managed to ask the guy what was involved in getting an apprenticeship. he told me that there was a paper test, a drug test, and then a probationary period (which i guess means if you are a total clutz they'll let you go). i also asked if there was demand for carpenters and he said, 'yeah, we keep pretty busy.'

meanwhile, i'm prepping for calculus, which is really taking up a lot of my time. i'm so used to teaching algebra which i can do with my eyes shut, but calculus stresses me out because i have to memorize everything, like the derivative of the arctangent of x. i can't remember this from when i had it (in 1994!) and i'm requiring my students to know it all, so i'm terrified that i'll be doing a problem at the board and not know some basic fact.

and the funny thing is that i'm enjoying my teaching quite a bit this semester. it's like now that i've stopped trying to be a model faculty member, and don't really go to the annoying faculty meetings, and i have decided that i'm just going to do what is good for my students, not what looks good for tenure...well, it's just a lot more fun.

this has me quite conflicted and confused. i have no idea if i will regret leaving this job. it's so complicated. i feel an obligation to be a sort of guardian to this generation of kids that may be somewhat neglected by their parents, by society. and yet, what am i giving them, really? how to factor a polynomial? what's the good in that? i can love them, teach them self-discipline, and allow them to crash & burn if they choose to do that. but i wish i could spend more time talking to them about life instead of variables and equations.

is it selfish to take time off to learn how to build a house? is what i really want not the actual building (i can be a clutz with a hammer), but perhaps architecture or interior design? i think of both as careers in which you work for the wealthiest 20%. I don't think I'd find it fulfilling to design an interior for an ostentatious home. i prefer the aesthetic of simple living. i'd rather build shelves or do repairs for someone who needs it. i'd like to have a say in the design of the house.

i know it's a lot harder for me to work with my hands than with my mind. and yet i crave the satisfaction of being able to see the fruit of my labors.

wow...i haven't been that sick in a very long time. after nearly an entire weekend in bed, i'm back on my feet and i feel like i'm walking on air. actually i am a little lightheaded still, but much better. good thing this is spring break. getting sick like that has zapped me of my usual drive to do a lot. i'm moving in slow motion, marching to a different drum.

inspiration

this reminds me of dean's house at the coast in ecuador. of course, not terribly practical for new jersey, but lovely, lovely. remeber arboleda? it would work there, too. let the breeze blow through the walls. climb the rafters. (found online.)

see, i don't think i could do fine finish work. i prefer the rustic, simple look. but i know there's artistry in me, too. it's just not the fine woodworking kind.

don't you love that low table? and the plank-style work bench under the window at the left?

this week is spring break. i came down with something last night. even though i'm sick, i feel pretty good. i cleaned up my room and lit candles. curled up & watched a movie. i made a list of fun things to do this week. and i'm going to go to the yestermorrow workshop next weekend. and i'm going to go check out NEW in New York Thursday. i think after this week I'll have more of an idea of what my dream looks like. not much, but a little more.

a friend talked to a friend of his who is a carpenter/remodeler. this guy, chris, seemed happy to let me shadow him at his work sometime. however, he hasn't returned my call. i'm hoping it works out for me to spend time with him at his job.

i'm also reading about home building in a book. this is the update. i love the idea. i love the idea. i just have to get past thinking about this and see if i like the reality, too.

helpful tips for life

1. do what is hard for you.
2. do what is easy for you.

light on stone

this was taken at the exit to a market in cuzco. if i had stayed and taken more than just the one shot i might have gotten something truly spectacular. but i just clicked and walked on. always so self-conscious of being the stereotypical white tourist and not wanting to be.

a vision

a moment

of electric-stand-out-messy
blond-light-aura

you paused in the swirling shadows
blown by snowflake gusts
a little shivery, breathless (with a half-smile)

until i'm breathless, leaning forward
with the need for you
to step into the harsh
white winter
sun-on-concrete
of your windswept balcony

a silver-lighted moment
a ray reaches down, dazzles, splintering
on your shoulders

a brief glint
in the secret dark eyes is what stays with me
as you step through the door
again into the shadows

(a dense hot star spinning past my quiet orbit)

a walk at dusk

...with my camera.

I've driven past this house for 2 years and today was the first day i noticed this intricate, delightful detailing on the bannister.

this is the type of thing that warms my heart. i saw several posters on main street advertising this golden-eyed kitten than had been FOUND.

my trees and the evening sky:

ceramics update

this

and this

are inspirations for my technique today. all the hand-built bowls i made a few weeks ago have come through their first firing. tonight i painted each one all over with red iron oxide wash. then i glazed only the insides of each, some with white, and some with a nice green.

hopefully i'll have results in a week or two to see how it turned out. meanwhile, i really need to be making much more pottery. the semester is 1/3 over. i need to shelve everything else and focus on pottery while i've got the use of the studio at school.

from a movie:

a newly widowed father questions his son about his sadness...

Daniel: So what's the problem, Sammy-o? Is it just Mum or is it something else? Maybe... school - are you being bullied? Or is it something worse? Can you give me any clues at all?
Sam: You really want to know?
Daniel: I really want to know.
Sam: Even though you won't be able to do anything to help?
Daniel: Even if that's the case, yeah.
Sam: OK. The truth is actually... I'm in love.
Daniel: Sorry?
Sam: I know I should be thinking about Mum all the time, and I am. But the truth is I'm in love and I was before she died, and there's nothing I can do about it.
Daniel: Aren't you a bit young to be in love?
Sam: No.
Daniel: Oh, OK, right. Well, I'm a little relieved.
Sam: Why?
Daniel: Well, you know - I thought it might be something worse.
Sam: [incredulous] Worse than the total agony of being in love?
Daniel: Oh. No, you're right. Yeah, total agony.

thursday, feb. 22nd, 2007

for some reason i'm not writing much here lately. maybe it's that i've been making an effort to create, rather than observing the creativity of others (via their blogs, primarily).

i drove to a really great antique store last week--i discovered it a while ago and this was only my second visit. i arrived about 15 minutes before closing time. however during the few minutes i was in the store, i realized that it made me feel realy good to be in there amongst all the old things. i didn't particularly have the urge to buy anything, i just wanted to touch and smell and look at all the things from a simpler, more innocent time.

i also went on a crafty/art supply shopping rampage & bought an ink pad, rubber stamps, watercolors, fabric, wire, marker, pencils, paintbrushes, and a black box which i decoupaged with the stamps i stole from mom last summer.



last night i took a walk and nearly tripped over a tree branch in the street. i picked it up and carried it home and now it is suspended above my bed--quite the sight--but really very lovely sculpturally, i think.

i'm figuring out in my head how i'm going to create a hanging lampshade using twigs, wire, and fabric. it's either going to be a huge success or spectacularly hideous.

this coming weekend i'm going away a retreat with some of the folks i study the bible with. i have no idea what to expect but i'm hoping for the best.

i've been slaving away writing tests and grading them at work. ughh. it's really quite stressful to make a test an accurate assessment of the material, not too easy or too hard, free of errors that might cause confusion, free of ambiguities which raise problems when grading. then you photocopy them all, tote them to class, and hope that the review session last time was good enough to jog their memories. give them the test, and use the quiet time while they are working to feverishly grade other tests, and also revise the test you wrote for the upcoming class. after class, dash back to your computer, fix the mistakes you found, make two different forms of the same test, make sure the points add up to 100, shuffle the order so students won't be tempted to copy. print them, and as you're headed to the copier, someone reminds you that there's a meeting that it would be great for you to attend. but i promised my students to be available to them prior to the test, so after i make copies i go there instead and two students are there, with questions. i help them to prepare, worrying that i made the test too easy or too hard. i also chat with them a bit--one girl wants to join americorps, so i tell her a bit about the americorps volunteer who organized the new orleans trip.

when the time arrives to begin the calc test, i make sure that students have alternating versions of the test (in a computer classroom there is not enough space to have them sit far apart). there are also two parts to the test--part one with a computer/graphing calculator, and part two without.

i administer all this, as well as the fact that about 5 computers won't start, latecomers, while sitting in the back of the classroom because i want to be able to ensure they don't look up things on the internet while taking the test (they're good kids, but it's good for them to know that i'm watching, so temptation vanishes). back there, i grade more of the tests from the morning for the entire two hours.

near the end of the time, i realize that one student is still working on part I of the test! what??? so i tell him to hurry up and get to part two. a couple of other students didn't turn in their projects so when they finish their tests i confer with them about why, and agree to let them turn a project in late for partial credit. grading the projects is no fun, especially when the students didn't work with others and make all sorts of unbelievable errors and omissions.

when the students start showing up for the class after mine, i take the three students who aren't done yet back to my office and have them work there, while i continue to grade. when i'm done, i record the grades in a grade book. then i enter all the grades in the computer so I can give the students an estimate of their grades so far. i check the roster and find that there are a total of about 5 students who didn't show up for the tests. this means i will have to make special arrangements for them, which is another hassle. i actually phone two of the, but get answering machines, so i hang up. there are confidentiality issues--and you don't want parents getting involved.

my work is done for the day, so i pack up my bags and head out to the car for the 45 minute drive home. i know i have a good job, and believe me i work very hard to keep things as simple as possible, but sometimes it's still just a crazy amount of stress and work. i was at school from 9 am to 7 pm today, and i worked on writing the calculus test for 2-3 hours last night.

i watched office space two nights in a row. job quitting fantasies? that movie is pure fodder. but maybe--i should lay off the office space a bit. take a break for a couple of evenings.

tonight, i walked to the drugstore (which is also the liquor store) and bought wine. i'm trying to unwind. there's this throbbing in my temple as well as a tension in my neck and back.

i'm working on perfecting my irish soda bread technique.

Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

--Mary Oliver, in "The Summer Day"

isn't the truth that we'll spend most of our lives chewing food, washing the dishes, doing laundry, answering the phone, taking out the garbage, or buying toilet paper?

i think i'm arriving at a peace with this.

new room

there's a huge snowstorm coming in. i can hear the flakes hitting the window. it's cozy to be home, even if i am accompanied by piles of work. i'm getting right to it, tho. well, except for blogging.

i rearranged the furniture in my room. the energy has shifted and feels fresh and new. i have a new space for working, which i mentally refer to as a studio:


the results? the table is now somewhat muddy from making 13 bowls, mugs, and pinch pots the other night. i also have my supplies handy for working on my scrapbook/journal, and what ever else comes up. the shell dangly thing over the collage on the right is string + irish shells:



here's the other side of the 'office':

saturday

out of sight, out of mind

an anecdote circulated on our campus: a student was found dumping motor oil down a drain that empties into the reservoir adjacent to campus. he said "i didn't think it went anywhere."

it's not fun to think about where stuff goes. in my fantasy as soon as i plop the bag into the dumpster it vanishes into thin air--i'll never think of it again. my fantasy is that when something flows down the drain it's gone for good, but it goes SOMEWHERE.

water comes from my faucet, electricity flows from my outlets, gas appears at the gas pumps, groceries show up on the shelf. it's a little more troublesome to think about where it actually comes from.

i guess it just hit me that so much insensitivity to the environment is rooted in a fantasy that our modern consumerist world has perpetuated: "light at the flip of a switch!" "just flush and it's gone forever!"

it's just the good ol' law of conservation of matter: "matter changes form, but cannot be created nor destroyed" and conservation of energy: "energy can not be created (made from nothing), or destroyed (made to disappear to no-where)"

it seems to me that these ideas can be extended philosophically--everything anyone does has repercussions. everything is interconnected.

No man is an island, entire of itself
every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main
if a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were,
as well as if a manor of thy friends or of thine own were
any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind
and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls
it tolls for thee.


-- John Donne

i love this picture

it says "fear could kill your heart"

winter memories that glow

friday.
about 10 rambunctious friends that i know from a bible study come over friday night. we talk & each cheese, wine, & pears. one of them is an mk (missionary kid) from indonesia & new zealand. we compare notes. my photographs are complimented, and my keyboard is discovered, dragged out, and played by several people. warmth.

saturday.
i drive to princeton to meet a new friend. after a long lunch in a wood-panelled pub, we walk across the campus, find a church with an open door and enter. dischordant, dramatic organ chords fill the dark soaring space. high up, very blue stained glass windows let in dim winter light. the tortured music rolls over me as i sit in a pew. gazing upward, i wonder what the organist's soul is feeling if what i hear is its expression. the ancient church seems filled with story.

sunday.
a jazz improv session at the local coffee shop. i lug in a heavy bag, spread out my books on a table and bask in the rhythms that has everyone's fingers tapping, heads nodding with appreciation. there is a sense of community as we clap after each piece, but during the song i feel that each person is lost in a private reverie, far away, yet comforted by the saxophone and the taps of the drum.

whole

unless your heart is undivided, you can't do someone much good.

i'm learning that if i "befriend" someone but don't really enjoy their company, that they're not stupid. they won't enjoy my company either--in fact, they'll be kinda pissed when they figure out they were just my charity project.

extrapolating from that, i suspect that the money i grudgingly dole out doesn't do nearly as much good as a gift given with an open hand and open heart.

if you have to wash the dishes, do it well, and find a way to enjoy it. or something like that. i know of at least one person who will object to me picking dishwashing as an example.

i'm not saying we should only do fun, easy, recreational stuff. but do everything you do with your whole heart. it's the only way to live. abundantly.

i'm finding ways to stop doing things i can't do whole-heartedly. its energizing.

boats at night

How lovely is the sound of oars at night
And unknown voices, borne through windless air,
From shadowy voices floating out of sight
Beyond the harbour lantern’s broken glare
To those piled rocks that make on the dark wave
Only a darker stain. The splashing oars
Slide softly on as in an echoing cave
And with the whisper of the unseen shores
Mingle their music, till the bell of night
Murmurs reverberations low and deep
That droop towards the land in swooning flight
Like whispers from the lazy lips of sleep.
The oars grow faint. Below the cloud-dim hill
The shadows fade and now the bay is still.

-Edward Shanks

the idea

click here and here and here to see some funky buildings that i'm talking about.

if you click my amazon wish list you'll see what i'm getting interested in. not that i'm asking for anything...it's just how i keep track of books people recommend, for future reference or for checking at the library.

i just ordered two books that i'm excited to get. one of them is:



below is a picture of a woman's kitchen in ireland that i was enchanted by. i furtively took a picture when she left the room to answer the phone.



here is a picture from the book that is coming in the mail.



i've started paying attention to the architecture in my dreams too. sometimes the buildings are very strange, lovely, or oppresive. often memorable.

people actually do this. this makes me very happy.

warning

from a recent email i sent out:

Since I learned the hard way, I'll pass this along: don't take a walk in the rain while talking on your cellphone ;)

from kurt's reply:

you remind me of wisdom which you once shared with me, "if you can't be a
good example, at least be a horrible warning"

in honor of this beautiful grayness, i purchased a gray blanket/cloat and wore it as i walked along the cliffs:

just back from being away all weekend. just before leaving for chicago, i walked to the dumpster. a person was bouncing on the mattress set discarded there. she seemed a little crazy. i decided i needed to talk to her. apparently she was testing and had approved the mattresses and was eager to move them to her apartment. i couldn't help--was leaving, but we exchanged phone numbers in case she needed car help later.

tonight, upon returning, i called her. as the conversation develops, it turns out she just met a really fun guy who does contracting/carpentry/remodeling work around here. and she's going to try to set me up to talk to him about breaking into the business. cross your fingers for me :) i'll let you know how it develops.

irish breakfast

these scones were unbelievable. of course, i was not skimping on butter.

more pictures

click here...

irish trees

I had to do this in stages so today's topic is trees. Click here to see the pictures or here to see them as a slideshow (you can speed it up or stop it, too).

As many of you know, I am obsessed with trees and the qualities they embody. They speak to me of the human spirit questing for transcendence and union with God. Seeing a tree teaches me the attitude of prayer. Stand still, stretch upward. Recieve the sunshine.

Then there are the roots, the wonderful going deeper in search of water. No one else can see that inner quest.

I love the fact that each type of tree has its signature silhouette and branching style--the perfect union of math and art.

I loved the mythical quality of some of these--I'd never seen anything like them except in the murals in the elf houses Lord of the Rings. Others are shaped by persistent wind.

Tomorrow, pictures of another of my obsessions.

home again

hi! i'm back. i had a great trip, but i'm absolutely ecstatic to be home. i greet my neighbor with glee, the guy at the corner store says hi, how are you. i know the trees. i walk to the video store and the bakery and it's all familiar. there is such a bliss in that, i tell you.

i took about 500-600 pictures. i'm a little overwhelmed as to how to begin sharing. for now, this is from this evening, out my living room window. an astonishing sight.

preparation

time to pack. time to get on a plane. time for travel into the unknown. my first time to cross the atlantic. flying into the night and arriving with the dawn in a new country where at least some of my ancestry lies. i've done the research, made a car rental. gathered a pile of books to read, and an empty journal. now it's time to just experience what unfolds--rain or wind, solitude or serendipitous encounters, pubs or open spaces.

i don't really feel mentally prepared, or even excited yet. i'm still quite anxious. let me pack my bags, then perhaps i'll feel ready.

joy

...and peace.

solitary saturday

a walk in the rain last night (while talking on the phone) was nice. a dead phone this morning, and finding that i need to buy a new one is not so nice.

in the solitude that this situation has granted me, i am organizing my photo files and working on getting some photos framed (getting the glass spotless is hard!).

this photo was taken in a friend's kitchen (anybody recognize it?). more to come.

one day left

one day of school left. things are going really well, except for the dream last night which contained nightmares about my test being wayyyy too hard for the students (and them rebelling), and a swirly amazing visual of clouds in the most amazing tempest, running towards us as we watched in fear and fascination. as a result, i'm up before 5.

this photo was taken out the window of a taxi in lima, peru. for some reason, i love it.

timmie

at the corner deli, a guy with a reflective vest is loading up on snacks. i ask, and sure enough, he's gearing up for an all-night 14 hour shift working construction on route 18.

"stay in school", he says, with a look that conveys the fatigue, long, cold hours, and hard work.

"i'm done with school", i say. "i've got the cushy job, teaching, but i'm sick of it." (feeling like a spoiled brat, complaining...)

in the parking lot i pass him on my way out to the car. he's in a huge truck. as i walk by, he asks "do your students act up in class?"

"yeah." i guess he realized we have something in common.

"i'm over 60 men, and they don't behave either. they don't give me any respect."

wow. i just don't find that suprising at all. but it would suck majorly to have to be in charge of them. the guy looks really tired, lines under his eyes.

"do you hate your job?" i ask.

"yeah, i do.... what do you think is wrong with young people today?"

uhhh..."i think once people stopped believing in god, nothing matters anymore."

"yeah, they need to start going to church again."

"well, i don't go to church, but i believe in god. it means that things happen for a reason, there is a reason for everything."

as i walk away, he calls after me, "say a prayer for me."

i turn and face him. "i will."

"my name is timmie."

"ok timmie. good night."

i walk slowly back to my car. i vow to say a prayer for all the timmies trapped in soul-destroying jobs, but especially this one.

sunday

i had a rather nightmarish morning with a sick feeling in my stomach that the trip to ireland would be a disaster & all would fail and i'd hide in the airport.

cracked eggs into a frying pan, got one whose white was greenish tinged. more evidence.

having a pleasant roommate is helpful when this darkness descends. sometimes all you need is another human to say normal, unremarkable yet sane things. i'm glad i have her.

tried going to a church service, but it was too hyper and praise and hip. i prefer small groups, living room-sized. however, only the pastor seemed over the top. the audience seemed normal & cool. the entire congregation were young adults. i was recommended this place as a cure for my single blues.

i bought a yellow raincoat for ireland. i bought frames & hung 4 prints in my place. i'm pleased with how they look. i bought some christmas presents and am starting to conjure up some christmas spirit.

friday evening

from my life today

a verse

Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow. (James 1:17)

progress report

signed up for ceramics this spring. what i really need is practice. the fact that i can have unlimited use of the kiln and the glazes for the teeny tiny price tag of $100 for the entire semester is unbelievable [faculty tuition waver rocks!]. my only cost is clay.

i want to work on finding a style, a groove. then maybe one day, one day, i can try to sell some at a coffee shop or art fair. i don't feel like i will ever achieve flawless wheel technique. i don't really want to either--i'm too impatient. i'd rather work on it meditatively but embrace the imperfection.

as far as the search, the quest...

there are classes i'd like to take next summer in building skills. after my sister is successfully hitched, i may dive headfirst into that. i'm not sure exactly where that is heading--making tables, a log-cabin, or what. but when i discovered this place in vermont, i was enthralled and relieved. someone understands this urge...and they've got it right.





there are all these other things...philosophy...father l. gave me a course on cd about the history of ethics...and it's great...it's opened up a lot for me. i need to crack some books but for now it keeps rolling through my mind as i drive.

photography--i ordered prints of some of my good photos to see how good they looked in large format. i almost never order prints--high time that changed.

i'm debating with myself whether to give hitchhiking a try while in ireland. the car rental is unbelievably expensive. i could spent $300-$800 depending. i know, it's going to be cold, rainy, and hitchhiking is dangerous. but....but...it just sounds so real, so authentic...so in touch with the actual reality of the place.

my cooking revolution and fried eggplant

At the end of the summer I spent some time reading an italian cookbook that has significantly changed the way I think about food. It taught me that good food doesn't have to be complicated--in fact, complicated gets in the way of experiencing nature's gifts the way they were created.

Never being a person to embrace the middle ground, I went to my fridge and took out everything (well almost--i saved the ketchup and the chocolate ice-cream syrup for old-times sake) that had ingredients i couldn't decipher. No more fake modified starches, preservatives, blah blah into my body. This makes shopping for insta-food basically impossible. All the snack foods and pre-packaged meals are full of this stuff.

So--I cook more. But the recipes I cook are simpler. I started keeping track of some good recipes on another blog. It's "eating simply", and it's linked at right.

Anyway, Viana LaPlace's "Unplugged Kitchen" changed my thinking on a whole lot more than just cooking--she presented a vision to me of a more old fashioned, slow, sensual way of preparing and enjoying food.

Fried Eggplant:

some bread got stale: I food processed it into crumbs. If that's too over the top for you, just buy some crumbs. But FYI--check how many incomprehensible ingredients are listed.

-wash an eggplant.
-cut 1/2 inch thick slices.
-beat 2 eggs into a bowl with a fork.
-put crumbs, spices, salt, and pepper into another bowl. (suggested spices: oregano, sage, thyme--i really had no idea...)
-put olive oil into a frying pan & heat (but not too hot--don't let it smoke)
-dip slices into egg, coating both sides, then into crumb mixture, coating both sides.
-put in the pan.
-turn after a bit. don't burn them (like i did).
-when the outside of the slice is crisp and the inside seems soft when tested with a fork, or when the slice is cooked golden brown, put the slice on a plate w/ a napkin for the grease. you get to eat greasy today.
-let the slices cool, don't burn your tongue (like i did).
-use the slices to make an eggplant sandwich for school the next day. mmmm. or a midnight snack.

mmm...

saturday in new york

i went with a new friend to the japan society (a block away from the UN, and across the street from dag hammarskjold park) to see this ceramics exhibit. it was fabulous. apparently japan is the new ceramics center. there was a lot of that was not only genius, but i actually really liked it. highly recommended. admission $10.

The Humpbacks

Listen, whatever it is you try
to do with your life, nothing will ever dazzle you
like the dreams of your body,

its spirit
longing to fly while the dead-weight bones

toss their dark mane and hurry
back into the fields of glittering fire

where everything,
even the great whale,
throbs with song.
- Mary Oliver
[via Whiskey River]