thoughts on vegetarianism and our relationship to animals

I've been reading a book that has raised many questions for me about some of the foods I eat.

I know it's more polite for people who make certain choices to keep quiet and not judge those who don't act similarly. I certainly don't think that I would have responded well to any pressure from guilt-tripping vegans or vegetarians or radical environmentalists or global poverty activists or other viewpoint pushers. I'm thankful I had the opportunity for my views to develop naturally and gradually, and I don't really want to put that pressure on anyone else. However, I have been thinking about this, and the writer in me needs to write in order to process these ideas. So please don't be offended.

I'm not one of those people who became vegetarian as a child when they realized they were eating animals. I knew very well where my meat came from. I saw a cow that was to be killed when I was maybe 5 years old, and I don't know if I heard it killed or just imagine that I heard it. I saw carcasses hanging in the markets in Bolivia. When we moved to rural Illinois I saw cows and pigs being raised in small and large farms. I saw the dairies. It didn't really bother me; I actually enjoyed learning about farming. (One exception: I do recall once being appalled when I saw the tiny pen that a sow was kept in when she was having piglets. It was only a bit larger than she was. She could move less than a foot in any direction, and couldn't turn around.)

I gradually transitioned to a less-meat diet because I was obsessed with cutting my expenses so I could save money and quit the job I was no longer able to believe in. Lentils are much more affordable than meat.

It wasn't squeamishness about eating animal flesh. It's been some time since I ate meat, I don't know yet if I would rule it out permanently. Yet some questions have come up as we think more and more seriously about becoming self-reliant, and looking closely at what is involved in "producing" our own eggs and milk (which we still consume at this point).

Then recently, I've been reading "The Way We Eat: Why Our Food Choices Matter" by Peter Singer. And I'm learning about how the majority of meat, eggs and milk are raised: on enormous factory farms. I understand the market constraints that push good people to take on these huge operations. I know some of these people personally and I believe that it may have been the only way they saw to make a living at farming.

The entire efficiency and profit obsessed food industry is flawed, and blaming any individual without examining the root of the problem is unfair (and that would be a whole other essay). Finding the sources of the problem and crafting a solution is an enormous task. My overly simplistic anti-capitalist position may not be the right way, although it sure is tempting to just run away from the whole greedy profit driven mess.

After thinking this over more, I'm realizing that my objections with commercial milk, egg, or meat production is that besides being cruel, wasteful, and enviromentally dangerous, it's just so far away from what the natural life cycle of the animal would be.

A few examples:

Egg farmers either dump or kill and sell male chicks after they hatch. They are the offspring of a bird that is bred to produce large numbers of eggs. The males are not considered financially worth raising to sell as meat. Other birds are bred for the kind of body that is considered desirable for meat.

Dairy farmers must keep their cows producing milk almost constantly, which requires them to get the cow pregnant 4-6 weeks after it gives birth to a cow. A cow's gestation period is like a human's, 9 months. By getting the cow pregnant shortly after birth, they ensure that the cow will resume milk production shortly after its milk supply dries up from the previous pregnancy. The strain of being pregnant and maintaining unnaturally high levels of milk production takes it toll on a cow. While a cow living a natural life could live to be 15 to 25 years old, the average dairy cow only lives 3-4 years before it fails to produce the level of milk that is profitable to the farm. It then is killed for meat.

What about the calves that are born to these cows? The females may be raised to become dairy cattle. The males are either killed young as veal, or raised to become beef.

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I think that there is such a thing as ethically raising animals. However, I would prefer to let the animal be part of a system of life, rather than just used as a food production unit.

A chicken that wanders around a yard, eating insects, creating poo/fertilizer, and laying eggs, some of which actually hatch and are nurtured to become chickens...that chicken is living a whole life. [We've read that ducks are a little more pleasant to have around than chickens. I always thought chickens were too high strung and cranky. Ducks have gentle, musical voices, and their beaks aren't pointy.]

I don't have a problem with eating the eggs of birds. I don't really see myself having the guts to kill a duck to roast, though. Especially once I knew its unique personality. And this raises the dilemma, what do you do about the males? Do you just let them be a part of your menagerie? For now, I think I would. Apparently ducks do well foraging for themselves, so they aren't an expense to feed. And I'd build a coop or shelter from scraps of wood, if necessary.

If we raised ducks for eggs, I'd like part of our plan to be to take advantage of their propensity to eat slugs and bugs that are hungry for the garden plants.

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In the same way, I don't think I'd want to have cows on a farm, unless they had a "job" other than producing milk and offspring. Making them get pregnant all the time, just so that we can have milk, seems unnatural. And what to do with the calves? Wouldn't the mother want to have its calf around for a while? I can't imagine it not being sad if it was separated from its calf. I would rather let it nurse the calf, and then take the rest of the milk, rather than separating the mother from its calf.

What do you do when your herd grows? Sell the cows to be butchered? It's something you'd have to be ok with. I think it would be cool to use the cows to plow a field or pull a cart. That way the male cows could earn their keep, too.

We could raise sheep for their wool. Then we could shear them and they'd be earning their keep without needing to be killed. They fertilize pastures, too. And I'd have to learn to spin yarn and take up knitting in the winter.

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Where does all this lead to? I want to know what is a natural relationship between humans and "our" animals. What is a balanced, natural way to raise animals kindly, to allow them to live full, healthy lives. How can we as humans benefit from the animals, but care for them at the same time.

I think I need to spend more time learning about this. But I know that the meat, milk, and eggs sold in our stores does not represent the type of relationship that I am looking for.

Which is why I'm really longing to get some land, even just a bit, for a few ducks and sheep to roam on.

it's not too late

they are comforting words.

bailout musings (warning. content is kind of radical)

BAILOUT: when a corporation use the state's power to forcibly extract money from taxpayers.

I'm no economist, but I'm starting to see this as the last act of a dying monster.

They started by making us want things we don't need. An endless parade of products that the human race lived without for millenia passes before our eyes. Many of these things are actually bad for us, hurt our health, and make us sick. Then we need medicine, which they also want to sell.

The things they make to sell to us also produce terrible by-products that they dumped into our streams. They did it until we noticed, and protested. Sometimes, they paid us, but by then, many of us had gotten very sick from the water we drank, the air we breathed.

We made laws to protect our water and our air, but the companies spent more money to weaken these laws.

They did this while spending lots more money on advertising that presented their products as wholesome, necessary, delicious, and fun. They painted themselves as benign, caring for us, producing the products we love and need. These advertisements are everywhere. They are aimed at us and at our children.

Endlessly creative, they seduce customers into unbearable levels of debt. They make money off the debts. And then, when the miserable debtors cannot pay, and when our banks are failing as a result...what then? Is it over? Oh, no.

These crafty, endlessly evil corporations have already bought their way into our government. Suddenly our representatives are breathlessly telling us that we must bailout these huge corporations. If we don't, we'll have an economic collapse.

.....

The truth is, the collapse will happen anyway. And I'm not really sure what good all the money will do those corporations.

I wish we could all team up to starve the monster. Just stop buying everything. Except maybe organic vegetables, handmade goods, and thrift store products.

For now, I'm paying attention to each dollar I spend. I want to give as little as I can to the evil corporations. I want to give as much as I can to support causes that I feel good about. (I don't mean charity, I mean businesses that are actually sort of good.)

Oh, and one more thing. I'd love to one day to live off of maybe $5000 or so per year. Or whatever amount makes me tax-exempt. Because then I won't be paying for this ridiculous bailout. I don't know if it will work. But I just want out of this economic system. Maybe I sound like a nut job. But I feel like I'm starting to see it all for what it is.

weight

i've been feeling the weight of the world lately...the heaviness in what i've been reading about so many different types of problems.

today adam & i talked about whether it's good to know, or not know. it's a tough one.

sometimes you can take on more information that your spirit can bear. and yet, we are one planet, and one people, and what one suffers, all suffer.

i've been thinking that maybe this was the lesson that jesus showed us with his life. he shared in the suffering.

not that there isn't joy. life is still here. spring is around the corner. the birds sing, crocuses bloom.

it's amazing that life continues and joy continues even amid such problems. it's inspiring, actually.

here's to awareness mixed with the courage of joy.

baking bread

finally, after many crumbly, dense loaves, i've had one victorious, fluffy, delicious loaf. a second batch is on the way to rising perfectly, thanks to the heater in the kitchen.

the recipe is from a bag of king arthur whole wheat flour. i think i actually misunderstood the recipe, though, and didn't mix the yeast with water prior to starting. and it works! and is less messy.

This is my version, which makes 2 loaves.

first, mix the dry ingredients:
5 t of yeast (2 packets)
7 cups of flour (I use mostly wheat, some white. however, the original recipe says all wheat)
2 t of salt (i use slightly less than 2)

mix them together, then pour the wet ingredients on top:
2 2/3 cups of lukewarm water
1/2 c of vegetable oil (i think the coconut oil i've been using makes extra delicious bread)
about 1/4 c of honey, with some molasses in there too

mix it all together, then knead for 6-8 minutes.

set it to rise. i put the bowl of dough on a chair next to the heater, and then use a towel to trap the heat and bring it to the dough. it rises in half the time.

punch down.

re-rise in greased loaf pans.

bake at 350.

I love this because it makes very little mess, and I just threw it together in about 15 minutes! unreal.

Of course, more experimentation will be required in order to incorporate sprouted wheat, but for now we are eating our sprouts in other ways, so I won't worry about that for now.

Get the butter ready.

contentment

inspired by reading this article:

economic stimulus. economic growth. but is growth really a good thing?

it seems to me that the whole idea of investments is that we put our money somewhere and it grows into more money than we had before.

i can understand not wanting ones money to decrease in value, and inflation would inevitably make money buried in the ground 50 years ago worth less than when the hole was dug.

but when growth must come at the expense of the health of our planet, the health of individuals, the quality of food, the quality of life...can having more money really make up for the incredible losses we as human beings, creatures of this planet, have sustained?

the markets have demanded: more must be made, more efficiently, faster, cheaper, for greater profits. the desire to squeeze money out of each square inch of soil is desperate; eventually there will be no value left in the soil to squeeze. the growth is not sustainable. our land is dying. and our lives are suffering.

there is an alternative.

contentment. having enough, and being happy to live a little land and have enough to eat, warmth, shelter. making a profit is great, but how much of a profit does one need? perhaps enough to buy certain necessities, small luxuries.

i have been reading much on this subject, and i am thrilled to discover that others can express these ideas much more poetically and thoughtfully than i.

Wendell Berry in his book "The Art of the Common Place: The Agrarian Essays" speaks well and profoundly about our relationship with the land, the history of our country, and why we have not cared for the land as we ought. He gives stories about people who were content with less, and as a result they were able to treat the land with observant gentleness.



We don't need more money, more stuff, faster. All of that more & faster philosophy actually makes us unhealthy and unhappy.

LESS, and more slowly. Taking time for contemplating nature, family, the spiritual world.

It's great to learn sprouting, baking, book binding, gardening. This morning I picked the dead flowers from my basil plant and harvested seeds. What joy!! I compared them to the seeds that I bought & planted last spring. Similar. Now I have my own seeds, with a year's experience living in this place.

I guess I am greedy to do so many things. I wish I could help start a million community gardens. I wish I could teach poor people to sprout grains so they'd have low-cost, nutritious food available to them. I want to build a house, just to show that it can be done and it doesn't have to be so confoundedly complicated as modern houses are. Finish sewing that dress. Write letters to my friends. Learn how to make kombucha and yogurt and cheese and soap and candles. Knit. Write more. Learn natural healing techniques.

It's pretty clear that I'm bringing my characteristic intensity even to my desire to live a slow life. And clearly my biggest challenge will be to simply enjoy the present, and to find contentment exactly where I am.

the man who created paradise, by gene logsdon

what an amazing story. fiction, unfortunately. yet it's the not the first time i've read of someone who was inspired to buy devastated land with a view to restoring to it some of the beauty and health it had lost. and since ravaged lands would be far more affordable, perhaps that is the most accessible way to own land. not to mention the most satisfying.

wendell berry speaks of caring for the land, of being a steward, of helping it to heal, and letting it heal us.

wouldn't it be wonderful to heal just one little piece of our sad, wounded planet?

timeless dwellings

there is a gentleness to these homes, their inhabitants are connected to the earth. they are worn, softened, and cozy. warm, too. also, i believe that one of these could be built by a couple who is starting out in life together.


while these buildings look like they've been abandoned, the article i lifted the picture from here discusses earth roofs and their advantanges. the yurts, on the other hand, have the advantage of being temporary structures and thus less restricted by building codes and property taxes.

I just finished reading a novel by Frank Schaeffer, "Baby Jack". It's so well written. The author is the son of a prominent evangelical intellectual, Francis Schaeffer, which is why i was interested in it in the first place. The writing did not disappoint, but rather revealed the author to be a very thoughtful observer of human nature and spiritual truths.

During the course of the novel, one of the characters dies. He continues to narrate and is able to be anywhere and read the feelings and thoughts of people he chooses to follow. He tells us about his family and friends, but also about God, and how God responds to things. The way this is described is full of surprises. Sometimes God uses language that most of us would find un-God-like. Sometimes God doesn't want to answer people's requests, tells them to forget it, then changes his mind. Other times he gets mad and uses the f-word.

The characterization God gets in this book could be called irreverent, but I ended up finding it incredibly challenging.

"Why did you create humans?" I ask God.
"The Brooklyn Botanic Garden."
"That's it?!"
"And I like William Wegman's large format Polaroids of his dogs."


'...that sinking feeling all religious fanatics get as soon as it hits them that they've more or less wasted their lives trying to please God and he not only doesn't give a sh*t but doesn't even like them.
It's a really nasty surprise to wake up and find you're in paradise with a bunch of infidels and they got here without even trying. The born-again Christians get that same sinking feeling. Eternal life turns out to be such a disappointment for true believers.
Sometimes the dead are so bummed they even argue theology with God. A few days ago a newly arrived Southern Baptist was so shocked by God's profanity that he told God that he thought God needed to repent and accept the Lord Jesus Christ as his personal savior.'

'God doesn't give a rat's ass one way or another, at least not about the things people think are a big deal, destiny, the rise and fall of nations, and all. To God, countries, nations, peoples and tribes come and go, are no more important than leaves swirling on a driveway. He does have likes and dislikes, though, but it's nothing to do with any rules. With God it's all personal. Take Gaughin. God is very angry about how he treated Van Gogh. He says Gaughin "drove Van Gogh to suicide" and he says Gaughin is overrated. "Muddy" is how God describes his paintings.'


The idea that after people die, they are able to see the thoughts and experiences, both past and present, of the people they knew and interacted with in life--this really challenged me.

I believe that my thoughts are known to God, but for some reason thinking about other people knowing my thoughts jolted me a little more. Memories of thinking nasty thoughts about people, sometimes even people who have not harmed me. I can be very critical.

The novel goes on to describe a person that many of the dead, as well as God, love to spend time around. And this person was not a religious leader, but rather a marine drill instructor. A person without guile.

Damn, I thought. Does God like to spend time around me? Probably not. I am boringly obsessed with organizing my stuff, washing dishes, and crossing things off my to-do list. Somewhere along the line, it seems that my concept of what is important must have gotten skewed.

Could I be inspired to be a more honest, kind person? A person of warmth and truth, of integrity and compassion? Someone who people would choose to spend time with, even if they knew my thoughts?

Another observation:

'The amazing thing about Jessica is that what she says and what she's thinking is usually the same thing. With most people there's an internal conversation that's different than what they're saying. Swimming in them [observing them] is like watching a 3-D movie without the glasses. Thoughts and words overlap but not exactly. But with Jessica her thoughts and words are in sync.'

I can't do this book justice, or even really give you a good sense of it but it's a gem, and I really look forward to reading more from this author.

cranberry pie with orange rind.

handmade projects

i've been on a little gift-to-myself vacation, with adam's encouragement, before i get back to tutoring again.

i have the problem of wanting to clear my to-do list completely before i sit down to fun projects.

but i'm gradually learning the art of letting things go for a few days, because they'll eventually get done.

so i baked some sprouted grain bread. picked up a sewing project that had been lingering for over a year (turning a favorite old skirt into a dress). sewed some stray buttons onto clothes. and one of the most fun things has been making blank books from some really wonderful paper adam got for free. i'm in the middle of sewing ten bundles of ten pages each into a book. we poked holes where the paper is folded, and the stitching is going pretty easily, now that i figured out a system.

then i will have to figure out how to put a cover on the books. i'm leaning towards a fabric cover stitched over cardboard for stiffness. it's kind of nice not to use glue, i think. not sure why.

there is something really amazing about hand stitching (aside from the backache i get). it's a very scuptural process, much more versatile than machine stitching.

gratefulness

just before we left on our vacation, we had no heat in our apartment for 5 days.

temperatures were very low, and our ability to do anything was severly impaired as we packed basic necessities and camped out at a friend's house one day, a sister in law's another. we spent three nights here in the cold, one with no heat, another with the oven on intermittently, and the last night using an electric space heater finally provided by the apartment complex (we were too stubborn to buy one).

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we just returned from our trip. last night i got up to get a cup of water in the night. standing in the again warm kitchen i mused on how wretched we can feel if only one thing that we rely on is not working.

and now that the heat is back on, i want to be grateful for it, instead of taking it for granted. so many other things ARE working. water, electricity, gas, the computer, our cars, the internet connection (most of the time). adam's cellphone doesn't work for now, that's an aggravation.

the same goes for the body. so many things ARE working. i am basically in good health...all systems go. the hairs on my head are graying, the intestines were a little slow on the trip. i have been experiencing some light flashes in my peripheral vision, but i had them checked thoroughly, and have a doctor's word that while it's happening a little earlier than usual, it's just the deterioration of the eye that comes with age.

something i'd like to implement this year is a daily noting of things i am thankful for. i know that practicing seeing the events of my life through a lens of gratitude can alter my experience, and give me joy.

this makes me want to create my own mythic walking shoes.

from khalil gibran's the prophet

"When you work, you fulfill a part of earth's furthest dream, assigned to you when that dream was born."

These words paint a picture to me of a baby being born. The earth and its people community say, here is a child. To this child, we entrust the safeguarding of this dream.

And so that child has a dream, a commitment, an obligation, to bring something unique, special to this planet, that only she or he ever could.

I wish that our jobs felt like this for us. I know that almost everyone I know does not experience this in their employment.

Currently I earn money by helping students to understand math. I like to help people overcome hurdles that are between them and what they would like to achieve. I like explaining math to minds that are curious. I like giving the underprivileged an advantage so that they can live up to their potential as humans. I like showing people that math is understandable and accessible.

But there are times when my student doesn't care about anything except passing, with minimal effort. When their cellphones go off and they try to hide that they are looking at them. When they want me to do all the work and thinking for them.

There are other times when the student is earnest and hard-working, but the skills that they are expected to master are so unbelievably silly, convoluted, and irrelevant to their life. I can see that the only way they are going to learn to do the math is to stifle the voice that says "why, what is the point?" "I would so much rather be learning something I am interested in!"

Why shouldn't they learn what they care about? Why has the curriculum of so many students been pre-determined? Why can't each child learn to follow their curiosity?

I think this brings me back to the quotation at the top. If a student has had to silence their true voice in order to get by, is it any wonder that when they turn 18, when they graduate and face an unbelievable array of choices of "careers"...that they are unable to know who they are, what they are supposed to do?

I am learning that each of us is unique, with a purpose, with special skills, gifts for our families, our communities, and our world. And I'm learning that children, even while quite young, need to be nurtured to discover their own uniqueness. Not in a spirit of arrogance, but as future contributors, as givers, caretakers, creators. In a spirit of generosity.

And what about my gift to the world? I think I have more to give than explaining math, although it can be fun. I would like to become wise, to learn to live at peace with myself, with others, and with God, my Father. I would like to learn how to live wisely and gently on this beautiful earth. I would like to give kindness and love to my family and my friends.

The amazing thing is that so much has been given to me by others who lived the truth of the prophet's statement. And I am grateful for that. The books that I read are gifts from writers who worked to express the wisdom they had gained in their short lives. People who do not write have taught me to live.

I guess it is a cycle of giving. Sort of like the cycles in nature, where nothing is ever wasted.

books i've been reading lately

I'm not too far into it, but the first 3 anecdotes are vivid, unforgettable examples of how the global industrialization of food threatens the loss of so much wisdom and uniqueness and nutrition worldwide. More positively, this book promises to tell of many who are working to combat the trend of making food the same everywhere.


This book tells about traditions lost, that we thankfully can revive in order to regain health. It's a great resource. I'm reading about sprouting grains and soaking them.

An early Christmas present. I'm enjoying reading about Fukuoka's journey in trying to put his beliefs into practice, and after 30 years of trial and error and struggle, finally having remarkable success. It's encouraging for anyone who wants to change how they live. Never stop trying new ideas.


Maya Angelou's shares what she has learned with her spiritual daughters.


An inspiring book of photographs of traditional homes all over the world, primarily made of earth, thatch, and some wood and stone. It makes me happy to think that all that is required is ingenuity and work, because the materials are there already. And many of these homes can be built by women as well as men.

excerpts from "one straw revolution" by masanobu fukuoka

The usual way to go about developing a method is to ask "How about trying this?" or "How about trying that?" bringing in a variety of techniques one upon the other. This is modern agriculture and it only results in making the farmer busier.

My way was opposite. I was aiming at a pleasant, natural way of farming which results in making the work easier instead of harder. "How about not doing this? How about not doing that?"--that was my way of thinking. I ultimately reached the conclusion that there was no need to plow, no need to apply fertilizer, no need to make compost, no need to use insecticide. When you get right down to it, there are few agricultural practices that are really necessary.

Fukuoka is quite the radical. Yet I think I agree with the foundation of his views. We've created such a headache of anxiety and complexity in the name of improving our lives and the world. But the truth is that by attempting to regain some of the natural balance, we can reduce our struggling, and simply rest in the perfect way that things were created.

A return to the natural way of things cannot happen overnight. It must come gradually, as one by one, we subtract the "improvements" that actually aren't helping at all.

Unnatural solutions always create new problems. If each successive round of problems caused by these unnatural solutions is again approached by fighting against, rather than working with, nature--the complexity and anxiety will be endless. On the other hand, if we take a step back and really see the root of the problems, we can re-examine our philosophy, simplify our lives, and solve problems by aligning ourselves with the way things were meant to be: simple, healthy, beautiful, peaceful.

Each of us can find our own way to prove that this is true.

excerpts

from "One Hundred Years of Solitude" by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Jose Arcadio Buendia was completely ignorant of the geography of the region. He knew that to the east there lay in impenetrable mountain chain.... To the south lay the swamps, covered with an eternal vegetable scum, and the whole vast universe of the great swamp, which, according to what the gypsies said, had no limits. The great swamp in the west mingled with a boundless extension of water where there were soft skinned cetaceans.... According to Jose Arcadio Buendia's calculations, the only possibility of contact with civilization lay along the northern route....

He threw his directional instruments and his maps into a knapsack, and he undertook the reckless adventure.

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I peer in my knapsack to see what maps and instruments I am relying on. Because I am largely ignorant of the geography of my life, and yet something compells me, calls me, into the adventure. A sense of purpose, of impending discovery, beckons to me, and yet sometimes I feel like I lack the recklessness to step forth.

"I wanted to be sure to reach you;
though my ship was on the way it got caught
in some moorings..."
--from The Harbormaster, by Frank O'Hara

from another book:

"The life of the spirit is not an assumption. It is a struggle. And the proof of its existence is not faith, but longing."

--Patricia Hampl

what an incredible day. i'm so thankful for such an amazing leader.

i am glad i voted.

imagine

..flinging your heart open to offer the best thing you could possibly give to the world.

imagine making that your passionate life's work.

i feel a hope blooming within me. this evening's light glows in the golden leaves outside. inside my chest, a different glow, with love for my husband who lights up my life.

reading about masanobu fukuoka inspires me to write a lot of things

Masanobu Fukuoka was a pioneer of a very different type of farming. He advocated no-till farming, and i'm super excited to have gotten an electronic copy of his book from a holistic agriculture library at soilandhealth.org.

I have to share a quote i picked up on wikipedia:

...if modern agriculture continues to follow the path it's on now, it's finished. The food-growing situation may seem to be in good shape today, but that's just an illusion based on the current availability of petroleum fuels. All the wheat, corn, and other crops that are produced on big American farms may be alive and growing, but they're not products of real nature or real agriculture. They're manufactured rather than grown. The earth isn't producing those things... petroleum is!
Masanobu Fukuoka, Mother Earth News interview, 1982

I don't know if petroleum alone is the source of fertilizers and pesticides, but it is at least partially what they are manufactured from. Maybe he is also referring to fuels needed to run tractors on?

The statement reminds me of something stated in the Corporation movie. Someone made the analogy between modern capitalism and an attempt at flight. An aviation pioneer had taken a plane off of a very high cliff and the air was blowing by. He believed he was flying, but it was only an illusion because the cliff was so high. Capitalism, too, appears to be working because the resources of this planet are so vast. But thinking that capitalism in its current form works is a false illusion. It is fundamentally unsustainable, and if it continues to be practiced, will lead to a disastrous end. I believe that disastrous effects are already seen everywhere, in many forms, whether it's food shortages, global warming, loss of biodiversity, and the loss of fundamental humanness and creativity and kindness to each other.

At any rate, if there is to be an end to this disastrous decline, it must come from a return to sanity. I know that my aversion to technological advances isn't completely right, but I feel that the vast majority of inventions, of scientific discoveries have hurt us more than helping us. For every new invention, accompanying problems are soon discovered. We think we have improved on nature by air-conditioning our dwellings, and yet we soon discover that power grids are in peril and our air is polluted by coal-burning power plants.

I even think that new green technology (solar power) will eventually be found to have some serious problems, whether it is in the products and energy used to manufacture them, or in the electromagnetic radiation they might produce, or something. Even though they're considered green (and I would certainly choose them over a nuclear plant or a coal burning plant) they are unnatural on some level. In the end I think the best solution would be yes, let's do wind and solar energy. But let's also stop using appliances that suck far too much energy. I guess another good research project for myself would be looking into the usage of different appliances. Creating heat from electricity tends to be very energy intensive, so dryers, toasters, electric stoves, hot water heaters, electric kettles, and space heaters take up a lot of electricity. Are there lower-energy alternatives? Clotheslines are easy. Toasters? I don't know a good alternative. Solar water heaters work--I don't know how expensive they are but they save a LOT of energy. I think low-tech models have been made by resourceful individuals. Perhaps my husband will invent one for us one day.

Speaking of energy efficiency, I live in an apartment that is incredibly warm all winter, where we can't control the heat. Well, except by opening the windows. Terrible energy use. So it's not like I am scolding. It's hard to make these things better.

I think I am going to continue my ramble just a little further.

From my own experience, the greatest obstacle to being kinder to our planet is the fact that we are all in such a hurry all the time. At my job, we throw away plastics rather than recycle--probably because we don't have the time to sort. Just a little time is needed, but we are so busy we don't take that time. (At least some Canadians recycle their fast food trash.) Another example--I live in a great little town that is probably 10 blocks wide each way. But how often am I in too big of a rush to walk to the store, the library, so i drive instead?

Many of us don't have time to grow vegetables, which would benefit us, our communities, our environment, and the planet. I wish we could just slow down enough to hang our clothes on the line, tend our vegetables, cook our meals, walk instead of drive somewhere. It would be an eco-revolution of peaceful, mindful choices, of less, and maybe somewhere in our slowed-down life we'd find more time to be gentle and concerned about our neighbors.

The faster, more stressed out our lives are, the more the corporations have us just where they want us, with no time to thoughtfully make the best choices for ourselves and the planet. We are just trying to survive from day to day.

The thing that really excites me about these thoughts is that while rushing is the exact thing that is wrong with our society, it is also amazing that the benefits to slowing down go far beyond the ecological.

Going more slowly allows us to experience God, our families, nature, and our selves. It allows us to experience life as we were intended to experience it. The rushing life of hyper-consumerism is one that will destroy our humanness, our relationships with old people, children, friends and spouses. But choosing to take the slow path is a way to return to truth, peace, awareness, beauty, and enriched relationships.

The price we pay is convenience, but I think that for the most part convenience is a lie sold to us by companies desperate for us to spend money on gadgets.


To return to Masanobu Fukuoka. This man died August 18 of this year, not long after I discovered him, via a blog post by keri smith. I feel like he reaffirms my growing belief that many things that are too hard and too complicated and too expensive are hard and complicated and expensive because they involve us fighting against nature, against the perfect way God created the world to function.

"Natural farming is not just for growing crops, it is for the cultivation and perfection of human beings."

I am looking forward to learning from this book.

i've been wanting to write here, but i've been thinking about such a broad range of interconnected subjects, that it's all rather daunting.

the way the stock market has been tanking lately, wondering if a crash would really be a bad thing. couldn't it rather be the death of a bad thing? and wondering how to life a way that is free as much as possible of being owned by corporations.


but yet as our government is increasingly owned by the mega-corporations, and works to protect them more than its citizens now, free living may not be possible, while we are within the borders of this nation, and under its jurisdiction. which i guess leads to thinking of civil disobedience (the title of a book by Thoreau).

the vision of a life i'd like to lead becomes clearer to me...we talk often of oregon. gardens, apple trees, vines, trellises, a handmade dwelling.

i think about education--as i tutor for a living, and i really enjoy working with individuals, getting to know them, seeing their brains engaging with the subject matter. conveying to them abstract ideas, expressing to them (sometimes) how i feel about algebra. sometimes i love it. tonight i was tutoring someone who clearly had a searching mind, and somehow it makes the subject matter more interesting. maybe any subject is more interesting to a mind that is curious towards it. i wonder what type of education i'd want to give my children. what has been my mode of learning and exploring the world? many things about american public school education are a terrible waste. but can i think of a better alternative? how is it that a mind best develops, remains excited about learning, discovers the world, finds passion and purpose?

i feel like what i've opened my eyes to in the last few years has really changed me. my desire for increased simplicity, honesty, my disenchantment with my teaching job. the desire to live in a handmade dwelling. learning about building houses, energy efficient methods, beautiful dwellings. how do you pick between the inherent yuckiness of a material like styrofoam or fiberglass, and the fact that it's an excellent insulator?

then becoming interested in the politics, the ecology, the ethics, and of course the health implications of food choices. and in reading about this, coming more fully aware of how, repeatedly, our government has chosen the interests of mega-farms and massive food companies over the bests interests of its citizens. whether it's the environmental devastation wreaked by these mono-cultures, the artificial pesiticides and fertilizers (some of which are petroleum by-products, and so are linked with our war-mongering, too). or the pollution caused by transporting foods many hundreds of miles before its eaten. or the health effects of insanely over-processed foods, which are then fortified with the fad-nutrient of the day, and which when finally packaged (in too much plastic, cardboard, wrap, much of which never is recycled) and placed on a shelf at a price many, many times higher than that which the farmer was paid to produce it.




so the farmer loses, the land loses, the consumer loses. who wins? all those huge food companies, whose only interest is more money, increasing its stock value. not providing truly good food, not protecting our planet, not fair pricing.

what a depressing picture! and then i pick up a book like this, and inspiration overcomes me. there is hope. and i want to be a part of it. i want to help bring hope, beauty, good food, simple living, to this world, in some small way.



i feel like until this year, i forgot all about seeds. remember? how there are seeds inside apples? they aren't just part of what we spit out, we throw away. they are promises that this apple needn't be our last.

the cherry tomato plants i grew this year came from seeds from grocery store tomatoes. so did the peppers. they did really well. in front of me on the table are four seeds from an organic apple, a jonagold, that was so delicious and flavorful that we were astounded at every bite. maybe an apple will come again from those seeds.

it seems like a tiny lesson to me that our needs are not so impossible to fill. God gives us what we need. we don't need so much money to be living well. look! fresh air, breezes. we can grow things from the soil. sunshine is free. rain falls.

entering in

what is the secret to a truly magical life? how do we find fulfillment, happiness, the satisfaction we dream of but often can't lay our hands on on this particular day?

i've heard lots of answers. i've seen people exuding magic, radiating something as they live.

there is a recognition, when i'm close. but often i am far from that path.

"slowness. that is the key to happiness..." said monsieur ibrahim in the movie of the same name.

there are so many other ways i've collected in my 'research'. but i forget, i indulge my sorrows, nurse wounds or resentments. i hurry, and want others to be more efficient. or i focus on the future rather than the present.

Matthew 18:3 "Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven."

The only way to get in is this: childlike simplicity, being present, appreciative, unhurried, unworried.

....

Today, I am off work early. Maybe there's time for a little soak in a hot tub before I run off and tutor a new student in some Calculus.

objects, things, posessions

there is this undeniable connection we have with our things.

i struggle with the fact that i want to be free and unweighted down. and yet many objects are so helpful, or filled with memories, or part of a hobby or interest, or a useful craft.

yesterday we emptied out the garage unit i'd been renting since march. many of the things we threw away were found for free in roadside discards. yet, i felt bad that i hadn't made the things i knew i could make from them. then i consoled myself that if i did make more furniture, we'd just have more to take when we make our next move.

the tables, crates, and bench i made are great, and all but one can be taken apart and transported in pieces.

but the things! the other things we'd intended to sell at a garage sale and then i had to work that day, and it rained, and we didn't do it. we ended up moving the things into the basement of an adjoining building in our complex. and sort of laughing to ourselves that maybe we'd just leave them there forever.

today we discovered that someone had helped themselves to some books and adam's old atari he'd planned to try to sell. and we sort of didn't care.

i guess part of it for me is not wanting to put things in the garbage, and yet there is this old man here that when you leave things BY the dumpster for others to help themselves to...he obsessively throws them into the dumpster right away.

so putting things into the basement turns out to be the perfect solution--we don't feel bad about throwing them away, and someone might steal them, and if they don't, we can go back and get them any time.

so often i just wish i could be free of all these objects that take up so much time and energy. but my woodworking tools, old pieces of cloth waiting to be sewn, photoalbums, mugs i made in the ceramics phase, most of them i can't part with yet. and until i'm ready to, i won't.

maybe one day we'll have a place on some land and we won't be thinking that a move is in the future, and we'll hang on to scraps of cloth, pieces of wood, miscellaneous hinges and screws and nails, bottles. and everything will be useful, someday...and i will get over my need to purge and be lightweight.

i think that time is closer than ever.

still here

after a month and a half without a computer or internet connection in our home, i feel like i gained a freedom from web use that i really cherish...although it's been really aggravating not having google and email at our disposal.

new developments in life here:

married life
a new apartment
a used laptop
making homemade: salsa, tortillas, pear pie, bookshelves
growing on the balcony: cherry tomatoes, basil, peppers, rosemary, lettuce & greens

also--a lot of wondering about my future occupation or contribution to society. i read a lot, and feel that after a period of obsession and research into housing and carpentry, i am now moving into an interest in food, gardening, agriculture, the food industry, and the problems in our American society (greed, constant hurry, large corporations, a loss of touch with the truly important things in life).

i think writing here is important for me. it's a space to organize my thoughts, to practice writing, and to chronicle my journey. so i think i'll get back to posting, maybe weekly. if anyone is still reading, i'm glad! see you next time!

i usually write almost weekly. it's been almost a month.

in that time i started a new job at a coffee shop. i've been learning a lot, and enjoying it. it's totally different from tutoring math, which is how i've been supporting myself since i bailed on my contractor boss back in february.

i am still tutoring students, so it's busy.

summer is hot here. my tomato plants look sad almost every day, until i water them, but show no signs of producing fruit. however, the salad greens and rosemary have made delicious additions to many meals.

i haven't had time to work with wood for some time now. i hope to get back in there really soon to finish up some projects and maybe launch that dream rustic farmhouse dining table.

i guess that's all for now. i'm not sure what my purpose is with this blog lately. i guess we will see if it drops off naturally or regains momentum again. maybe i will want to share ideas here again when life is less hectic.

july, then august. it's hot. i sold my air conditioner last summer, and while i don't regret it, i sorely need my daily shower about this time every day.

i'm not in love with summer, but then, there are farmer's markets, open windows, and swimming pools. better yet: those desperately needed evening thunderstorms, when the sky gets dark, and a cool breeze says: "relief--soon!" taking a walk and getting wet feels great. getting drenched is even better.

tonight, the sky is clear. no sign of a rain.

thank you...

Life's been a little hectic lately. Instead of packing my brain with information from the various books stacked by my bed, I pull out Mary Oliver's wonderful volume, and choose one poem. The last lines inspire me to greater simplicity and contentment.



Winter



And the waves

gush pearls

from their snowy throats

as they come

leaping

over the moss-green,

black-green,

glass-green roughage ---

as they crumble

on the incline

scattering

whatever they carry

in their invisible

and motherly

hands:

stones,

seaweed,

mussels

icy and plump

with waled shells,

waiting

for the gatherers

who come flying

on their long white wings---

who comes walking,

who comes muttering:

thank you,

old dainties,

dark wreckage,

coins of the sea

in my pockets

and plenty for the gulls

and the wind still pounding

and the sea still streaming in like a mother wild with gifts---

in this world I am as rich

as I need to be.

I really don't know what I am doing with these plants, but I ate my first tomato the other day, and it was delicious.

Regarding the last post...feeling guilty never does me any good. It just paralyzes and depresses. I'd rather focus on small steps that feel right.

1. Borrow and loan things among like-minded friends. (This saves a lot of money, and it creates an attitude of sharing that I think is very rich.)
2. Buy used. (The thrill of the treasure hunt, for the gem among the junk.)
3. Invent a solution rather than buying a solution (this starts the creative juices flowing).
3 1/2. Remake something you already own.
4. Fix broken things, if possible. See the charm in mended, stitched, re-glued objects. This can be so satisfying...the mended handle on my cherished peruvian basket gives me double pleasure because i was so heartbroken when it came apart.
5. Rescue other people's discards (think of it as adoption). Believe that you can find things when you need them.
6. When you don't want something, give it away, or sell it, instead of throwing it away.

Even if you only do this sometimes, it makes a difference. It takes more time, but the result is posessions that that you have a personal investment in. Objects have have character and history. It's fun! How's that for a more positive spin on the "stuff dilemma"?

the story of stuff

Click here to watch this (it takes a while to load, but it's mind-altering).

It's imperative for us as humans to think about where things come from and where they go. And it's important for us to realize that the price we pay for a purchase is not its true cost to us...that there are impacts that are completely disregarded in the price tag.

It makes me feel sick that people in third world countries are losing their homes, moving to slums because giant corporations that we support are buying the land rights out from under them.

And it is hard to know what to do about it. I simplify my life, I try to buy as little as possible, and recycle as much as I can. But the sheer volume of destruction of natural resources, and then the trashing of the products whose creation necessitated that destruction, and the filling up of landfills...oh God...help us. Of course, we see so little of what we are doing to ourselves, because if we could see...we'd come to a screeching halt, and really question.

And what do we really need, besides food, shelter, some clothes, and love?

Why are we ruining the air and the water and the land in order to have so many silly things?

"The love of money is a root of all evil."

And at what point do we stop worrying about being preachy and just start speaking out about what is happening, and the insanity of this hyperconsumerism?

And what will it take for us to see that we are slaves to the big companies--they employ us, and they pay for advertising to convince us to consume their products, and after we go shopping, we have to work more.

Forgive me for this rant. I just watched the video and got overwhelmed.

next project--dining room table

can you see the similarities between all the tables in these pictures?

i find these pictures online and save them. i try to title the files with the photographers names, but not every time. hans zeegers is responsible for the last two.

i have an idea in my head for this table. and sure enough, i find pictures in my inspiration folder that are almost exactly what i envision (only better).

my project has been to slowly but surely replace much of the furniture in my place with handmade, real wood versions. so far: 2 tables, 1 chair, a bookshelf, a bench.

as far as the kitchen table, it worked out well. it is sturdy, and the linseed (which is actually flaxseed) oil has given in a nice finish. the plastic chairs around the old table have been replaced by roadside finds which i've changed, repaired, and cleaned up.

lawns & learning

turning grassy lawns into vegetable gardens seems like such an obvious solution to the rising food prices.

but many people who are burdened with heavy mortgages are too busy working to tend a garden. they need a low-maintenance yard. sometimes, they spray chemicals on their lawns to keep them weed free. these pesticides become part of our environment, running into the drains and the rivers. these perfect looking lawns aren't really that friendly for rabbits. i imagine that the baby bunny prefers clover.

mowing lawns: noisy, violent, polluting. expensive, too (gas & mower maintenance). i know it's easy for me to talk: i have no lawn.

(i don't want to be a judgemental eco-fanatic. i am just trying to find the way of peaceful co-existence and enjoyment, rather than fighting against the natural world. i am seeking that lifestyle that is slower, easier, more beautiful, and less expensive.)

in order to get my hands into soil, i haul dirt up the stairs in heavy buckets and crates, and plant seeds. a growing collection of containers is appearing on the ledge out a window.

maybe there is a way that people with more free time could exchange work for a share in a yard of a too-busy person who owns land but can't find the time to grow food? in a progressive town like this, i imagine someone wouldn't mind the idea.

it makes me crazy how illogical our society has become. fertile soil under our noses, but we drive to the store to buy food that has been driven all the way from california, or shipped from south america.

of course i'm a fan of italian olive oil and colombian coffee, but maybe we could at least shift towards more growing it near home.

it also makes me crazy how much education i've had and that i know so little about gardening. there was such a long time that i thought it was uninteresting. but it's crucial. how useful is a master's in math, really? i'd rather know so many other things, but maybe until now i just wasn't ready to appreciate what is really useful.

i'm so glad that i've left the job where my life's work was teaching algebra...such a useless suffering inflicted upon uninterested minds. it has its place, but i certainly would not say that it should be a requirement for any college graduate. what a waste to spend 20 years of my life teaching kids to factor, how to find the vertex of a parabola, how to interpret the slope and y-intercept of a line. Even calculus! the product rule, the derivative of the sine. Why??? i am glad i know it, and it's nice to pull out some trigonometry when drawing up plans for a bench. but if i look back at my years of education and list what i learned that really mattered, it would probably really be shocking.

if i ever return to teaching, i want to teach something that really matters. and in order to do that, i must learn what really matters. i think that is the stage i am in now. learning.

it continues to amaze me how my views keep changing. i am interested in ideas and lifestyles that i used to scoff at. i'm more open to natural medicine. i've stopped eating meat, and am questioning the ethics of eating the eggs of chickens raised in miserable conditions (does an organic dozen represent less suffering than a conventional dozen?). rather than racing around busily, i want to do less, be more centered, more at peace with myself. i want to shift steadily in the direction of a contemplative. if i slow down enough, maybe i will find God in my sprouting carrot seedlings, in the grain of wood that i sand, in the woodchuck that watches me warily.

making things

a bouquet of buttercups

a crate

a tv stand/buffet/seating bench (disregard dust, please)

simple & delicious

plain whole milk yogurt with drizzled honey and grated nutmeg on top

2 eggs fried/steamed with chopped fresh rosemary, salt, and pepper. buttered toast on the side.

lightly sauteed & steamed carrots and kale, with eggs scrambled in at the end. grate parmesan cheese over it, cover, and let it melt.

wouldn't a photo be nice? but my camera batteries need to be re-charged every day, and i don't have the patience for it. i just eat.

--

two crates made yesterday. except for cutting handle-holes, which i need a different saw for. the kitchen table is done, too, but i need to acquire the right finish for it, so that the surface is protected and can be wiped off. i'm looking for tung oil.

crates

i am setting out to learn how to make crates. i bought 4 back when i was in college from a fruit stand. they're so versatile: they've been nightstand, coffee table, bookshelves, a plant stand, and seating. and when i had to pack for a move they were super heavy, but useful--filled with books.

i want to make a set of at least six crates. it's adam's idea, but instead of making bookshelves, i can just stack these crates (just two or three high, for safety). while sketching ideas today it came to me that i could make them in such a way that they could also be drawers.
i love multipurpose objects. the best other example is my set of wide-mouth mason jars that are both drinking glasses and an alternative to tupperware. their lids are handy for covering a cup of coffee that would otherwise get cold.

i regret that i cannot give photocredits for these beautiful images that are not mine.

the urge to garden has never been so strong. there is no logic to this, since i don't even have a balcony to put my plants on, but the call to have plants growing, to eat what the earth can give...it is compelling and i WILL find a way.

rosemary

the first tomato

i sprinkled some yellow pepper seeds in this pot and covered them with soil. here they are...although since they are from a grocery store pepper (that could be a hybrid) there's no way to know if they will produce fruit.

i also planted carrots, apple seeds (from an apple), cherry tomato seeds, and am planning to plant the garlic bulbs that have sprouted. basil and cilantro would be wonderful.

my first table

this is my first. very basic. the leg closest is wood found on the beach. we found the two pieces that form the table top in a dumpster and sanded them off. the fact that it is rough & unfinished suits adam fine--he doesn't have to worry about paint drips.

expenses, food, and the global hunger crisis

In the past few years, I began to make decisions to radically decrease my living expenses. My ability to now live on about half of what I used to make has given me considerable freedom, and the luxury to slow my life down to a contemplative pace.

One big thing was to move into a two-bedroom apartment and share with a roommate. But there have been other things as well. I don't really shop for clothes except when i need a specific item. I cut my own hair. I get movies at the library instead of the video store. I curbed my addiction to buying books. I stopped going out to eat, except very rarely. And lately, Adam & I stop each other from buying things because we can lend or give each other things we already own (well, mostly he stops me).

I also found ways to reduce my grocery costs. I started to think about all foods in terms of their cost per pound, and quickly saw that meat and cheese are much higher than vegetables, grains, and legumes.
-eat less meat (I now eat no meat, and barely miss it.)
-eat foods made from basic ingredients
-eat more vegetables and legumes (beans, chickpeas, lentils)
-make my own bread (often just biscuits because they're easier)
-cut out fruit juice, boxed cereals, and insta-meals because they're expensive
-cut out processed foods (also because they are full of unnecessary and unhealthy ingredients)
-buy rice in bulk (I can get a 20 lb bag of whole grain rice for $11)

In case this sounds like I am living in a state of deprivation, I should emphasize that the meals prepared with these foods are so much more delicious than I have ever made. I've learned to use good oils (peanut, olive, sesame), and a variety of seasonings. Simple eating can be the best kind of eating.

There are items that i now spend more on than i used to. Cage free eggs (some of the time), organic milk, and some organic produce. When the farmers' market comes back to town, I'll be happy to spend a little more to support local agriculture. I think I still end up spending less than I used to.

But our recession (whether it's official or not) isn't really the biggest news on the planet. Other parts of the world are suffering from severe food shortages. I don't know enough to say what the causes are, but I clicked here to urge our government to send aid. You can read more about the crisis here.

i can't remember being hungry and not having the resources to get food to fill my stomach. maybe i've come home late to an empty fridge and been too tired to cook, but i always have something that i could eat.



I seem to always have those Pachacutec slums in my mind. Maybe one day I'll learn something useful to help them to live better, healthier lives on the dunes outside of Lima, Peru.



This interview on NPR today inspired me. I want to know more. "Paul Polak, Tackling Global Poverty His Own Way" Maybe I'll read his book.



This man is trying to find low-tech solutions to help small farmers (less than 5 acres) to improve their yields. This speaks to me, on so many levels. Maybe I'll write more after I read the book.

people who've inspired me

these are people who've had a significant impact on my outlook.

+madeleine l'engle. she is a writer of children's fiction as well as reflective memoir style non-fiction (and poetry). in her books i found an idealized world of intellectuals who had faith and who thought about the world, science, nature, and responsibility. i think she helped me to start seeing my belief in God from a different angle, which was helpful for that critical time in high school.

+mark strand. for this one poem, which touched me when i needed to hear it.

+robin lee graham. he sailed around the world alone as a teenager. this book opened up to me the world of adventure, travel & exploration, which i read a great deal about for some time. it always seemed like a world that wasn't really available to me. even though i grew up in bolivia, my life wasn't one of rock climbing, sailing, or exploring the wilderness, like i wanted to. as an adult, however, i've taken some amazing road trips, snorkeled in the bahamas, climbed on rocks, camped in the back country, had a bear encounter (more than one actually), and taken sailing lessons. of course, it is never enough.

+dan price. the author of a little book called radical simplicity, he tells with wonderful sketches about all the ways he's lived a non-traditional life, breaking free of the mortgage trap and living in a series of huts, tents, yurts and hobbit dwellings. reading this book started me truly knowing that i could and had to live in a weird house i built with my own hands. (this one's for you, bethany).

+mom and dad. even though we have our struggles, my parents are heroes to me. they have chosen to live meaningful lives, helping others and doing things that matter. i have started to see ways in which my choices mirror theirs. mom's legacy is amazing--painting, playing the piano, speaking 7 languages, being a nurse & midwife, living in the jungle in a bamboo hut on stilts in malaysia when she was 23, marrying late and having 4 children by c-section in bolivia starting at age 39. she is my heroic wild woman. now she gardens and talks to the cats, the flowers, the bees, the birds. she composes music and revels in scripture and travels and continues to inspire me.

dad is generous, always opening his heart to those in need, in prison, immigrants, outsiders. he loves to read, he is an idealist, he believes in Truth and that it will not fail us. he invented popcorn & games and the rowdy hide and seek game that thrilled and scared us to death and made mom nervous. now he's travelling more than ever, racking up millions (literally) of miles on airlines and driving all over the place.

+m. scott peck. The Road Less Travelled changed my life. I guess it's corny, since it's a self-help book, but I took it seriously. When I moved out here to NJ it came into my life from a friend's bookshelf. Over the course of months I read it and it shaped my thinking about my life habits, taking responsibility and being more disciplined. It also was a turning point because it opened me to the wisdom of eastern thought as supplementing, rather than threatening, my Christian faith.

+c. s. lewis. His writing took everything I knew about my faith and made me see it in a different light, from a different perspective. "This is a myth that is true." I feel like I still have much to discover and learn from him. I want to think and read more about world myths, the story of the Christ, Jungian archetypes, Lord of the Rings (written by his friend Tolkien). It's all connected.

+adam, my boyfriend. i respect his art, which is an embodiment of his sensitivity and honesty. having adam in my life has challenged me to be more honest. i look forward to more adventures and discoveries and to making things together.

there are so many more.

step

“There is usually one small step we can take in the direction of a dream. When we do the universe often takes several more.”
-Julia Cameron

act

from a book review here:

"Emotion follows action, not the other way around. Act, then feel good. Do not wait to feel good before acting."

My life doesn't have an externally imposed structure right now, outside of appointments I set with tutoring clients. So I have to motivate myself to get out to the workshop, and create. Later, I feel good.

here is my new bench/table. it's dimensions were dictated by the (salvaged) wood i had available, but it works nicely in my room as a place to stack blankets and stuff that otherwise would get piled on a chair somewhere. the top is 18 by 40 inches, and it's about 26 inches high.



i'm pretty happy with the look overall. i found pictures in various interior design books at barnes & noble and made sketches in my journal of antique style country furniture that appealed to me. (sometimes the lines and dimensions of a particular table would resonate so strongly with me that i would just stare at the picture and feel an intense pleasure, as if some part of me were being fed.) that is how i came up with the general design of this table, and it's one that i'm likely to repeat.



the image above shows how i notched out the leg to support the cross-piece. This strengthens the piece structurally, and is a step up from the very simple joinery on adam's painting table (which i'd like to post pictures of soon).

..

yesterday and today i've been working on organizing my workshop to make it more livable. the idea is to be as productive as possible with the idyllic life that i currently am blessed with.

ideas for the next project:

a longish bench for seating or even a coffee table
a long shaker-inspired pegboard
various kinds of stools
re-finishing some salvaged furniture (i've been procrastinating that)
fixing some chairs i found

i think my passion for now is tables and benches.
kind of like when i was doing ceramics i only wanted to make bowls and mugs.
super functional, very basic, handmade, imperfect

i made this planner/notebook/address book recently, and i love how it turned out.

here's what i did. i decided on a 4 1/2 by 5 3/4 inch size for the covers (cardboard), and made the pages slightly smaller (about 4 by 5 1/2). i went through my paper collection, old envelopes, graph paper, old yellowed paper, magazine pages and made a big pile of pages ripped to size.

i also drew up the calendar pages by hand, which resulted in a nice looking imperfect grid of days. there are tabbed dividers made from a blue 2 pocket folder from a conference a while ago.

with a little help from adam, i held the pile of pages tightly together in their desired arrangement, and he drilled through the pile three times with my drill. then, three hinged metal rings (that open and close) completed the binding. for some reason i decided on tomatoes for the front cover, which is a little odd, but maybe it is a portent of gardening in my future.

some other images of this little project are here.

adam's art work--an update

adam has been painting and posting photos of his latest work here.

he has a set of watercolors that i love, including this one and this one.

i also love the large canvas he started recently. (in this picture, you catch a glimpse of the table we put together for him.)

my camera is either dead or uncooperative, so i don't have any new pictures to share, but hopefully that will change soon.

i've spent a lot of time being annoyed at irrational behavior.

just recently, a new thought came to me. (i think it was while i was sitting at the kitchen table, watching out the window as people walked by two stories below.)

it's precisely our irrational behaviors that make us human. does any other animal behave irrationally?

well, actually...i know this cat...

but really, i think that choosing illogically, having weird quirks of behavior, liking things for no particular reason...this is our prerogative as humans, isn't it?
free will?

this is not a complete thought, just a new one, for me.